Find Your Wings

I pulled into the parking lot and said loudly, "It's time to go to school!" My excitement had elevated to shear joy. "Yay," I thought, "I only have one child today!" Today was the big day. I would send both Baby Girl and Baby Boy to preschool. Baby Girl scrambled to unbuckle her big kid booster seat and Baby Boy yelled, "Troll" through his pacifier sticking out the side of his mouth. He was upset that he couldn't finish the latest episode of Paw Patrol in the car. I unbuckled him and they both piled out. Quickly walking to the other side of the car, I opened the door and got Tiny out.

 

"Okay hold hands everyone." Baby Girl did her best to obey me but Baby Boy just wasn't having it. He did not want to hold anybody's hand.

 

"Alright, just let him be Baby Girl." I decided not to push it with him today. After all, this was his first day of preschool and I didn't want him walking inside--no wait a minute--dragging him inside because I forced him to hold my hand.

 

The school was packed! Grandparents, kids, parents, parents not wanting to leave their child for the first time. And then there was me, trying to snap pictures of everyone while holding a baby in my arms. I quickly got Baby Girl settled into her seat and she timidly said, "Hi" to her friends around the table.

 

Next it was Baby Boy's turn. I held his hand as we made our way down the hall. Slowly, we walked to the coat hooks outside the classroom. He wasn't moving at his normal speed of light pace. So I one- handedly helped him out of his backpack and hung it on the hook.

 

He started moving his way inside the classroom and then suddenly stopped. What could be wrong? Looking up at me with his beautiful slate blue eyes, he reached his tiny little hand up for me to hold. I was shocked. This whole time he hadn't wanted to hold my hand at all. But now, amidst the chaos and commotion, he needed me. My heart jumped into my throat and I quickly grabbed his hand and smiled. Hopefully, if I didn't look overwhelmed and stressed he would mirror me. That's when he allowed me to walk into the classroom with him. I can't tell you the joy I felt that he needed me. Here he was, my egg cracking, oat spilling, sneaky little wild man needing me-his mom.

 

As soon as we had made it into the classroom, he dropped my hand. Possibly his way of saying, everything would be alright. But I stood in the corner anyway, holding Tiny and watching him play with the other little boys. I tried to make eye contact with him-to make sure he was alright. But he never noticed me again. So I said, "I love you Kipton" and slipped out the door.

 

It was hard walking back to the car-with just one child in tow. I didn't cry this time, like I did when Baby Girl went to school for the first time. But I still felt that strange ache. That loss, part of me was missing. (Baby Girl's First Day)

 

The Lord must have known I was having a hard time dealing with letting him go. Because on my way back home, I thought of something I hadn't thought about in over two years...his birth. My Baby Boy's birth was so fast and surprising. I remember joyfully crying upon his arrival...almost like a happy laughter. I remember holding his long lean body in my arms and feeling an automatic connection with my boy. Even now, as a tiny two year old, he still has me joyfully laughing at the things he gets into. Who else can laugh at eggs cracked on the living room floor or entire canisters of oats spilled everywhere?

 

John 16:21 says, "Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world."

 

The Lord knew I needed reminding of how He'll take care of Baby Boy even when I'm not around. This is just the next step in Kipton's journey. I am here to hold his hand for a little while, quietly watch as he experiences life and then slowly slip away when I know he's found his wings. That is the joy of being a mother.

 

When I went to pick him up that afternoon he rushed to the door and said, "Mommy!" He lifted up his hand to me one final time. His teacher had given him a Curious George stamp for being a good boy. I oohed and awed over his special surprise and he walked out smiling from ear to ear.

Find Your Wings

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

 

 

The moment when he refused to hold her hand.

He was not having it at all.

The moment when we started to walk inside and then stopped!

Ice cream for a successful first day.

If you can't tell, he's soooo excited to finish Paw Patrol :)