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| Thanksgiving Dinner with My Family |
"Where did you find that?" I asked.
"It was in the safe," he said as he put the DVD in the DVD player.
But what began playing was not our wedding but our first dance as husband and wife. To the song of, "When I Said I Do," by Clint Black and Lisa Hartman, I watched two very young kids fall into each other's arms with sweet sweet smiles and dance. I watched as I took my hand and rubbed the back of his head. I saw the tears in his eyes and remembered how much love we had then. Best friends. That's what we've always been, that's what everyone has always said we were. That's what I've always known.
"Why are you and daddy dancing?" said Baby Girl.
"Because we love each other. We got married."
Baby Girl propped her little body up on the ottoman with her hand under her chin and watched intently.
I thought about how seven and a half years ago, we would have never known how much life would change for us. In that moment, we were just relieved to be together. I saw that my eyes never left his and how willingly he accepted my kisses. I started crying. Just a few tears, just a few beautiful tears because I realized how special our marriage was then and how even more special it is today.
In seven and a half years we've gone through three major moves, a doctorate and master's degree, a misdiagnosis of cancer and soon to be the birth of our third child. It's hard to believe that all that can happen in that amount of time...but we are so much stronger for it now. Oh we've had our rough patches. Some not even worth talking about but we've always come back to each other.
Most recently, we just completed a Marriage class at our church. I walked in believing I would not learn anything I didn't already know. But upon our last class, I walked out feeling more love for my man than I ever have in the 14 years I've known him. From the very beginning we discussed how one of God's plans for our life was for us to be married and how our marriage was to reflect that of Christ. I always thought that was the most ambiguous saying I had ever heard. But every class was centered around Ephesians 5:22-33.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
I always used to get so upset when preachers would speak on the issue of submitting to your husband but I soon realized it's more about showing him respect than it is of "taking crap from a man." And furthermore, look at how much more is said to husbands about loving their wives! I will try to explain exactly what I think this means.
Men ultimately need respect. They need to feel like we value them, that we trust them in running our families, that we believe in them wholeheartedly. And it's all the little digs and sarcastic remarks that make them feel less of a man. It hurts their most inner soul. And although at times, they really don't deserve our respect, they still need it.
And women, ultimately need to feel loved. We need to feel like our man appreciates all that we do, that he wants to be near us, that he wants to still hold our hand after seven and a half years of marriage. We may not deserve their love at times but we still need it.
Our marriage is a model of Christ's love for us. And when I put two and two together and realized the purpose of my marriage was to model Christ to my children, the whole meaning of marriage changed for me. When they see us arguing and hurting one another that is not a good example of Christ. In fact, it's just the opposite! When they see us speaking kindly to one another, showing each other ultimate respect and even taking a few moments to hug and kiss, it shows our children how deep our love is for each other-how deep Christ's love is for us.
Here's my best example of how this works out. One day, The Hubs and I were disagreeing and the disagreement was quickly spinning out of control. I could feel my blood simmering. He came into the kitchen while I was doing dishes and said, "Kim, you may not always deserve my love but you always need it." I turned around and he hugged me. I literally melted into his arms. It was exactly what a woman needed to hear.
A few days later and another disagreement was brewing. I was particularly the one "in the wrong." He left to go to work and the argument was never resolved. I sat at the kitchen table watching the kids eat breakfast and said, "I'm gonna do it."
Getting up to pick up the phone, I dialed his number. He was in his car going to a meeting and had volunteered to drive another employee. My mind was like, "Dang, I got to say this within earshot of his coworker. Greeeaat!."
Mustering up courage I said, "Dale, you may not always deserve my respect but you definitely always need it. I am sorry for how I talked to you this morning."
I thought, "Well maybe he will want to have a conversation about this in front of the coworker." But all he said was, "Thank you Kim. I love you." And in that moment, I could hear his love pouring from his voice. The argument was over.
It's hard to believe, but in all the years we've been married, no one ever told us what it really meant to treat our spouse like Christ. To us it was a vague biblical concept that we had only hoped to understand in our old age. What a blessing it has been to finally get it. We learned so many more things in our marriage class that are worth talking about...like forgiveness, the 5 Love Languages and the sizzle part of your marriage. But those will have to wait for another blog. I wanted to conclude with one more story that just might complete this blog...
The kids were in bed-finally! The Hubs came downstairs after having put Baby Girl to sleep. I was resting my overly pregnant body on the couch after having put Baby Boy to bed. He got up to turn on our date night tv series but I had a special request.
"Hun, will you dance with me?"
I think the question caught him off guard but he turned around and said, "Yah, what would you like to dance to?"
I thought about it for a moment and said, "Well there's this song I've been hearing on the radio. It's called, Who I Am With You. It reminds me of you and how much I love you."
He pulled it up on his phone and I pulled myself off the couch. Taking me into his arms, the music began playing and I automatically rubbed the back of his head while he smiled sweetly at me. I laid my head on his chest and smelled his heavenly smell. Immediately, it took me back to the countless number of high school dances we had been to years ago. The lyrics from the song sang,
"You make me laugh, you make me high, you make me want to hold on tight 'cause
Who I am with you is who I really want to be
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you..."
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you..."
Every marriage has it's ups and it's downs. But if we can hold on to those biblical principals talked about in Ephesians and apply more effort in our marriage than we do in satisfying ourselves, we will find a lasting marriage. Keep up the faith, my readers. Keep trying. Even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it, find it in yourself to selflessly give to them. Who knows, it may just relight the fire that has been gone for so long.
