A few weeks ago, my husband had to travel to Idaho for a week. Idaho, I mean that's like far away! I was fortunate enough to have my mom drive in from Kentucky to stay with me. Not only was she helpful but she kept me from being lonely. Another adult in the house was exactly what I needed to survive. She and I click on a spiritual level and there's just something special about having your mom there with you-she's a comfort.
But when The Hubs finally got home that evening, I was immediately at the door hugging him, burrowing my nose in his chest and his familiar fragrance sent me to tears. It was a relief to see him and be in his presence. My best friend had returned. In the past six months, the amount of travel his work has asked of him has increased. And I'll be honest, my heart aches when he's gone. It's not like I just want him there to help me with the kids but I truly miss him. I miss talking to him, sleeping next to him, I miss our evening phone calls on his way home. It's safe to say, this new part of life isn't my favorite.
Because of this new transition, I have had to FULLY rely on God. I talk to Him through prayer a lot. And I feel comfortable sharing my heart with God. I have sought out advice from women I'm close with and from the older wiser generation. They say it will just become normal-and I sure hope so.
Years ago, at a MOPS meeting I remember hearing a lady talk about how she let the kids have a pizza party on the floor when her husband was gone and that memory came back to me last week. So we too had a pizza party...but I didn't want them eating on the rug so they ate at the kitchen bar. Haha! They had the very best time even though I hid in my heart the loneliness of not having Dale there.
Other feelings have dredged up that I had no clue were even there! The feeling of jealousy, ugh. The very word is disgusting. But you all know, I want to keep it honest and transparent so Ill share. Friends, when I get the text message of the fancy dinners and beautiful skies my husband sees as he flies, that ugly feeling of jealousy lifts its' head. Although I am honestly happy for him and want to share in his adventures I think to myself, "Here I am doing the night time routine, the changing of diapers, the calming down of tantrums, getting the oldest on and off the bus, and there he is doing all the things I want to be doing."
Now please refrain from judging. I know my thoughts aren't right. I know he works sometimes 16 hours a day. I wouldn't want his job. But I'm being honest for a reason. One day, I had just had it. I met a friend at a park and as we strolled around a lake, I said to her, "I just feel stuck. Like where am I going to be when it's time to go back to work? No one will want to hire a 30 something with hardly any job experience." She listened patiently and then said, "But Kim remember, behind every good man is a good woman. He couldn't do what he's doing now, if it weren't for you."
Aw yes! I needed to hear that. She was right. Although my work may seem unimportant, I desire to serve him and help him. That's my God given job. And although I do hold two degrees nothing compares to holding my children. I do desire to see him succeed. I do desire to stay home with my kids. But a part of me wonders, "Is the grass any greener on the other side?"
A few days later, I got a text from a wonderful girlfriend of mine who lives far away. I miss her so. She is a working mom and was asking me if she should stay at home. She felt guilty for working. That just had to be a God-thing. So I told her what I needed to tell myself.
"The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's the devil finding your weak spot and hitting it hard. If you weren't working you'd feel inadequate as a woman (like all your worth was tied to clean poopy diapers and listen to tantrums all day). And if I was working, I'd feel the same guilt for not being there all the time, like you do. It's God saying, "Wake up, it's hard either way. Enjoy everything! Even the hard times.""
What I've learned from all this traveling and unnecessary angst is this, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need my eyes to stay fixed on Him. You remember the story of Peter walking on water with Jesus? Let me put it here for you to read.
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:25-33
Peter was just beginning to grasp that Jesus was really the one true God. His faith was beginning to grow and because of that he chose to get out of the boat and walk towards Jesus. His eyes were fixed on Him. But just like we often do, Peter took his eyes off Jesus and noticed the trouble that surrounded him. His fears became stronger than his faith and that is the exact moment he began to sink.
Friends, that is so me. Some days I think, "Yah, I love my job. I am a servant to my family, a servant of Christ." But then, I take eyes off Jesus just for a moment and notice how scary life can be. Ugly thoughts of doubt rush into my mind and I begin to sink. Is that you too?
But notice what Peter says as he's sinking. He cried out, "Lord, save me!" That is the exact moment Peter realized he could not do life on his own. He could not save himself. He needed the awesome power of God in his life. His faith began to return with those three simple words, "Lord save me."
Look at the next verse. What is the very first word? "Immediately..." That makes my heart jump into my throat. Jesus did not wait around to save Peter. IMMEDIATELY, he reached out his hand and caught Peter. That one word shows us how much power, sovereignty, and LOVE Jesus has for us.
So my take away on this is that life is going to get scary at times. When those thoughts of self-doubt enter, I need to say, "Get behind me Satan. I will NOT listen to you." I need to faithfully and believably proclaim, "I am a child of God and because of that, I am worth it...whether I stay home or work." I need to get on my knees every morning and say, "God I need you. This day can't be done without you.. Help me today." I need to lift my hands to heaven and say, "I praise You for You are a good God. I am not alone. I always have You. You are my Father, my God, and my Creator. I will not sink today. I choose to keep my eyes on YOU."
