God is in the We-ind

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine.
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
born of his Spirit, washed in his blood."

 

That morning, I caught myself quietly singing as I did another load of dishes. "Yes, another load," I thought rolling my eyes. Baby Boy had been up until 2 am with a fever. I remembered holding him in the midnight hours and his sad little eyes just staring up at me. It was as if he was saying, "Thank you Momma for staying up with me." The Hubs had slept with him from 2-5:30 to give me a little bit of sleep. I was too tired to do anything productive... so I just sang while I worked.

 

"How did that song just randomly pop into my head?" I thought. Sometimes, I feel like God gives us songs from our past to help us cope with the current situations in our life.

 

It brought back easy memories of childhood. I was raised in a Seventh Day Adventist Church nestled in the heart of eastern Kentucky. I remember frequently singing this song with the small congregation. Everyone would sing in their comforting bluegrass tones  songs like Blessed Assurance and The Old Rugged Cross. Sometimes, as kids, my sister and I would try to sing as awful as we could-snickering under our breath. But little did I know how much of an impact that song would have on me today.

 

 

"This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long."

 

 

God never said our lives would easy. In fact, the truth is that our lives will always be a struggle.  Just look at Genesis 3:16-19 when God speaks to Adam and Eve.

 

  To the woman he said,

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
    with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
    and he will rule over you.”

 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
    through painful toil you will eat food from it
    all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
    and you will eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow
    you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
    since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
    and to dust you will return.”

 

So women will have painful childbirth and men will work by the sweat of their brow. Nothing about that is easy.

 

For the first time in my life, I am seeing these verses in a new light and it has humbled me. Inwardly, I'm having a struggle feeling of value in the home. Sometimes, I feel as though I'm caught in a dense forest and the forest just keeps growing. Here's my issue: I don't feel valued and respected for being a mom.

 

I can't tell you how many times people have said to me, "I wish I had the luxury to stay at home all day." Wait a minute. Did she really just say that? Or, "Are you just a stay at home mom?" I always graciously answer their statements and questions. But my shoulders hang a little lower and I feel oh so inadequate. I suppose most stay-at-home moms feel this way at times.

 

So I've been venting to my mother about this and she said, "Kim, the only one you have to answer to is God." And she was right. In the end, the only person I need to strive to please is my Heavenly Father. But I still desire an, "Atta-Girl" every once in awhile. I've spent my entire life working hard in school and getting honors in undergraduate and graduate school. All those compliments encouraged me so much. But now--nothing.

 

Truthfully, this job can be lonely and I find it hard to fit in with most moms. Mostly because I've learned since having kids, it's best not to judge. And if you didn't already know, most moms judge each other's mothering ability. For one, I don't really care if you choose to breastfeed, bottle feed or pump. It doesn't matter to me if you choose to use the cry-it-out method or another sleep method. I don't think watching the Disney Channel will scar your kids morals for life. And to top it off, I don't give one hill of beans whether you choose to feed your kids organic carrots, protein bars or--oh no don't say it...candy! We are all just trying to SURVIVE.

 

In reality, the only thing that matters to me is whether or not your kids are loved and not neglected. That's my hearts desire! Not to achieve the best mommy award or most accomplished in activities outside of mommyhood (home parties, junior league, MOPS, etc). But just-do you love your kids? Do you spend time with them? Or are you playing on your phone? Do you feed your kids? Do you choose not to abuse your kids? You see, these are the things that really matter!

 

So where am I going with all this venting? To say that... I don't have an answer.

 

I want people to say, "Wow! What patience you have. How awesome you are to give so much to your husband and family." But really, that will probably never happen.

I want my kids to know I love 'em. And I think they do know :)

I guess after writing all this out, I've come to the realization that it's not about ME! I'm not supposed to do this job for awards and compliments. I'm supposed to do this job for THEM. I'm supposed to sacrificially give of myself...it's the best example of Jesus Christ for my little ones. I guess after having my little pitty party, I've had a bit of a epiphany. 

I'll close with a quick story about Baby Girl...

"Momma," she cried in terror!

"What is it?!" I said as we were strolling down the streets of a cool retro type town.

"Make it stop!"

"Make what stop?" I asked puzzled.

And then the wind blew and she cried out again. Ohhh, so she was scared of the wind.

"Oh baby, it's the just the wind. You know what's so special about the wind? It's God's gift to you. Every time it blows, God is saying," I'm here Baby Girl. I'll take care of you."

That seemed to momentarily calm her down.

A few days later and another strong gust of wind blew. The Hubs was with us as we walked into a store. Baby Girl cried and I said, "Tell daddy what the wind means, Baby Girl."

"God is in the we-ind, daddy!" Her voice sounded so southern-like mine.

He looked at me so surprised and quickly smiled a proud smile at me. Inwardly, I was smiling too because I knew I had done my "job." If The Hubs was so proud of me, then certainly God thought I was a Rock Star!

"You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don't give reluctantly or in response to pressure. "For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.'

 

2 Corinthians 9:7