"Ok, here goes nothing," I said in my head.
I had a lot of energy to burn. Turning up the speed along with the fast beat I began to run. Breathing deep-it hurt. But I knew if I could just make it 15 minutes, my legs would go numb and the pain would go away. It felt GOOD. The sweat began pouring off my forehead and I started to zone out remembering a conversation I had had with Baby Girl...
"Momma?"
"Yes, Baby Girl," I said to her as she sat on my lap.
"What's that?"
And it was at this point where I had two choices: 1) tell her that what she was pointing at was my belly-which I lovingly refer to as my dunlap (you know the part of your stomach that done lapped over your jeans) and continue to spew words of hatred about myself OR 2)tell her that it was my belly and move on to another topic.
"That's my belly. See you have one too."
She points to her belly and laughs.
Grrr! It's moments like this, I wish I could take my brain and rewire it. I wish I wouldn't be so negative about myself. But I always seem to know exactly what to think to make myself...hate my body. But really this has been my train of thought since I was about ten years old and frankly I'M TIRED OF CARING.
I never really cared about my size until I went to elementary school and that's when some of the girls started teasing me. They'd draw fat pictures of me and show them to the class.
Some of the boys would say, "Ewww, I don't want to be with her. Kim's ugly."
And that's when I started to think, "Hey, maybe I am...ugly...maybe I am fat...maybe that's why no one likes me."
I know! Looking back on it my heart hurts for that little girl. It sucks so bad that she had to hear those things.
This "size" problem went away for a few years and then something happened in high school to make me think, "Maybe people would like me more if I was a little thinner..." And so I decided to take on some unhealthy eating habits. And the weight began coming off. And then I decided it wasn't enough...so I joined Cross Country. The weight began coming off even faster and people started to notice me more. It gave me a false sense of confidence about myself. So I'd continue to run. In the beginning I could run three miles in 28 minutes. But in a few short months, I couldn't finish the race in less than 40 minutes.
The Hubs, who was my boyfriend at the time said, "Your not the same Kim I've known. Your tired all the time and sad." His words stuck out to me-even to this day.
I went to the doctor who tested my iron. The doctor said, "Your iron level is a 6 and it should be a 12. If you were elderly, you'd be in the hospital."
It was at this point, my life had to drastically change. And so little by little, year after year, it did change for the better.
The only thing that didn't change was my mental attitude about my body. In college, I remember asking someone one time if they thought I was fat. They said, "Kim, I could tell you until you were blue in the face that you're not, but that wouldn't matter to you. Until you think you look good, nothing anybody says to you will matter."
POWERFUL WORDS! Her words seamed to rattle my nerves. It was like a light went off. She was exactly right. And she said exactly what I needed to hear.
So when Baby Girl says to me, "What's that?" I have to respond positively about myself. I have to do something I don't do very often...I have to be kind to myself. Frankly, it's exhausting to care so much about the size of your body.
Now that doesn't mean I want to blow up in size. It just means I want to love myself, who I am, what I've accomplished, what I'm doing. I KNOW there are women out there experiencing the same thing as me. I hear it everyday on my mommy playdates. "If I could only lose a little bit more, if my stomach didn't look so flabby, if my legs didn't jiggle so much...then I'd be happy."
But really? Would you be happy? Or would you just stare into the mirror and find something wrong with your face? Would your kids be happy? Would your husband be happy? No! Happiness comes from within. It's a choice that we battle with everyday. I want to repeat myself again...HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.
I want my Baby Girl to grow up loving herself. So how am I going to do that? Well for starters, I joined a gym. You what! Yes, to show her that exercise is healthy. It takes away stress, makes you feel relaxed and confident. Exercise is good. Then I'm going to eat healthier because it makes me feel better. Now that doesn't mean I'll never stop at McDonalds again but I want to eat the foods that make me feel good and not so sluggish. And last...the most important...I'm gonna quit saying negative things about myself. This will be the hardest thing of all. I've spent years wishing I was smaller, yo-yo dieting and feeling depressed with the number on the scale. I want my day to start with how happy I am to be alive, instead of how sad I am that I gained two pounds while sleeping.
"...thirty five minutes," I told myself. "Amazing." The sweat had drenched me but I felt GOOD. And although, I am the heaviest I've ever been I felt strong, proud, courageous. I felt GOOD about myself. That is exactly how I want my precious daughter to feel...good about herself. I turned on my cool down music and heard these words...
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
And what stuck out to me the most was the words, "For I am Yours and You are mine." I closed my eyes and quietly worshipped the Lord, right there in the gym. No one knew what I was doing but I was praising my God for never leaving me, for always accepting me, for giving me strength during some of the hardest times of my life and peace in battles fought. I felt whole, complete and loved.
Please listen to this song and quietly worship the Lord, whispering all your deepest desires to Him...
So my message and movement to you is to find yourself wrapped in the arms of our Savior. Nothing is too big for our God and even the smallest problem you might have is worthy to bring to our Lord. Give up the hatred, give up the sadness and embrace YOU. He knew you in your mother's womb. He hasn't forgotten you. He loves you. Find the freedom you need to succeed in this life-you only get one. Make it the happiest life you've ever lived.
