Cinderella

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Dear Sweet Momma Friends,

 

When I hear stories of your struggles, my heart breaks for you. I understand the need to fill that hole in your heart with a little one. There is nothing I can say to make that ache go away. This journey that you're on is a tough one...probably one of the toughest you'll face. You can't fix the situation on your own. You can't make it happen. But you have a God who understands your struggle and wants you to call on Him. Give Him your grief and throw your hands in the air as a symbol that you are letting go and letting God take control of your life.

 

Trust in the Lord and do good.
    Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
    Trust him, and he will help you.

Psalm 37:3-5

 

Wishing You Peace and Strength,

Kim

It had been many many months. I knew something was wrong with my body. I just wasn't having cycles. We had been trying to have our first baby. Sadly though, nothing was happening. I knew from my mother's history that I was probably going to need help in getting pregnant. After all, it had taken her seven years to have me. But I had hoped, I could do it on my own without the drugs. I was taking my temperature every morning and the graphs would show numbers all over the place. Nothing was consistent. I had bought the book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," in hopes that I could control this process and make it happen. Everyone was getting pregnant and I'd brave a happy face for them. I'd watch them rub their bellies, complain about the troubles of pregnancy and talk about how much weight they'd gained. I'd bite my tongue but think, "At least, you are pregnant." One morning at church, I walked into the foyer and saw a very pregnant girl in the cutest pink dress. My heart hurt so badly because I wanted to be her so bad... I think that's when I decided to see the doctor.

As I thought, several tests later we discovered that I wasn't ovulating at all. She told me of the three drugs she would start me on: Provera, Metformin and Clomid. The Provera started my cycle. The Metformin was a little rough with the stomach upset problems it posed. However, the Clomid was crazy rough. I'd have the worst hot flashes ever and I'd cry every single day. But I had hope. The first dose didn't work. At the ultrasound, it was clear I had not produced any eggs.

"Oh Lord," I thought. "Will I ever have a child?"

Oh how badly I wanted to give my husband a child. I felt like a complete failure. So we started the second dose-which was higher. At the ultrasound, we had detected several good eggs. We both were so excited.  "This could be it!"

So we went home and waited until my next cycle should start. It never started. I rushed to Kroger and bought the pregnancy test. I told The Hubs we would test in the morning but I just couldn't wait. So at one in the morning, in the dark hours of the night, I awoke and opened the test...I waited for what felt like an eternity. But there it was! The faintest line possible. My heart was beating so fast. I was pregnant! I was gonna have the baby I always wanted.

I burst through the bedroom door and I said to The Hubs, "WE ARE PREGNANT!" I can see his smile right now...grinning from ear to ear. We both sat up and talked that night. So happy and relieved that it had worked. It was nearly impossible to sleep.

Just to be safe, the next morning we purchased the digital test and in big black letters it said, "PREGNANT." I told my parents on the phone that I needed them to look at a map on the computer. When they opened up their email and saw the picture of the pregnancy test, my dad said, "Well, my Kimberly. Are you really pregnant?" My mom was silent but when she spoke she was crying, "Oh baby girl, I'm just so happy for you."

But then something happened that rocked my world...

At our six week check up to confirm the pregnancy, they couldn't find a heartbeat. 

"Well it's either, the baby is too small right now or it's a blighted ovum."

I couldn't hear the medical jargon. All I heard was, "You may not be pregnant."

I couldn't take it anymore. I sobbed in the doctor's office. I couldn't control it and I was trying to be so quiet because I knew other women were hearing their happy news. She left me with The Hubs and handed me some tissues. He had to be so strong and held me as I cried. I felt like I had failed him again...

It was the longest two weeks of my life. I had taken numerous pregnancy tests...all were positive. We went back at our 8 week ultrasound and I was so nervous. This was the "make it or break it" day. She started the ultrasound and there "my baby" was. A GOOD STRONG heartbeat! She just needed time to grow. No more tears, just happy smiles. Just relief and joy that I was gonna get to experience this thing called, "Motherhood."

My pregnancy was easy. No nausea, no pain. Just lots of hiccups from Baby Girl and baby kicks to satisfy my momma's heart.

 

 

By the grace of God, Isabella Grace came on her due date by induction. May 12, 2011 at 2:31 PM changed my life forever. 7 lb 6.5 oz, 20 inches long of beautiful baby.

 

Baby Girl,

 

 You always ask me to tell you the story of your birth. You were sent here from Heaven by God. He told Daddy and I to take good care of you. We were so thrilled to have you in our lives. On the day we went into the hospital, I couldn't believe that I was going to be your mom in a few short hours. Your birth was easy (if I can say that birth is ever easy). But at one point, I couldn't push anymore. And when the doctor said, "Just one more time." There you were! Crying and healthy. They placed you in my arms and I said, "My baby, my baby, my baby." You grew calm and sleepy. That night I stayed up just staring at you. I looked at your tiny nose and held your tiny hand with my finger. I was trying to memorize everything about you.

 

Baby Girl, when I call you my baby, it is the most loving term possible. I wanted you for so long. I prayed for you. And God handpicked you to be apart of daddy and I's life. Sometimes I hug you and kiss the top of your head and just smell you. You are wonderful in everyway. Daddy has a special place in his heart for you. He loves holding you and just looking at how beautiful you are. You are his Cinderella. We both are amazed at how smart you are and kind to your brother. Please know that as you grow up, momma and daddy will be here for you-always. You will always be our baby. We love you.

 

Love,

Momma and Daddy

 

 

Oh The Hilarious and Embarrassing Things You Have To Do in Pregnancy

12 weeks! Almost out of the first trimester.

I walk into the Ob/Gyn office with rosy cheeks and an embarrassed sheepish look on my face. I placed the mysterious Wal-Mart bag I was carrying at my feet, hoping no one would question my grab bag of a present.

"I'm here for my appointment," I said quietly.

We went through the normal insurance questions and she said,"Okay Kim, your all set."

I stood there for about two seconds which felt like ten to me. "Umm, I have my 24 hour sample here." Maybe she would since my uncomfortableness and go ahead and take it from me.

"That's okay. A lab tech will be back to get it from you shortly," she said matter of factly.

"What?!" I wanted to say. "You're gonna make me lug this 5 lb jug of..."   (You get my drift)

I was mortified. She was gonna make me do the walk of shame infront of twenty some patients. Suddenly my nervousness reminded me that I had to pee.

"Can I go ahead and use the restroom?"

Little Miss Matter of Fact just stared at me as if I had asked the craziest question ever. "How about you just wait for the nurse to call you back and then you can leave your sample."

"Sample! Sample!" I wanted to yell. "Look here lady. This is my third baby and I know the routine. You don't need to announce to everyone that I have to leave my sample in a cup. And plus who are you to tell me when I can and cannot pee. I'm not in elementary school for crying out loud."

Wait a minute. I didn't actually say those things to her but I'm sure she heard the entire conversation from my pregnancy hormone ridden stink eye. 

I just stood there...stunned that I would have to hold my bladder even longer. "Okay..."

And thats when I turned and walked away carrying my mysterious jug of who knows what beside me. I swear it was the ultimate walk of shame. The Wal-Mart bag loudly crinkled as it banged against my leg. I felt a million eyes staring at me...at least that's how it felt.

I sit down and rummage through my purse for my phone. Maybe I could avoid eye contact by pretending to do something important on my phone...

"Okay Kim, you can go back and leave your sample now."

It was that lady again. Not even 30 seconds had went by since I had sat down!

So I get back up, grab my jug and head to the bathroom. One thing I should have learned by now is that there is no need to be embarrassed. All modesty leaves the building as soon as that pregnancy test comes back positive. You will text/facebook pictures of your pee stick to everyone you know, get your arm poked a billion times and in my case lug around mysterious jugs of specimen for all to see.

Finally, they call me back to the room for my appointment. A young training nurse tries to listen to the baby's heartbeat but puts the probe on the wrong part of my stomach.

"If it helps, I think the baby is over here," I point to the complete opposite side of my stomach. She moves it over to the other side and Tiny Blessing's heartbeat is quickly heard and then the baby moves away. 

They try for 10 more minutes to hear the babies heartbeat without success. I so badly wanted to grab that heart rate monitor out of her hand and find Tiny's heartbeat myself. But they assured me the doctor would do an ultrasound and find the heartbeat.

And sure enough, the doctor was able to find the baby and heartbeat of 140 bpm. It was so cool to see! Out of all of my babies, I have never gotten the special treat of seeing the baby at 12 weeks! Such little arms and little legs! And how fast Tiny could move and flip! It was the most precious site ever.

 

Sometimes, I'm still in shock that I'm really pregnant. I'm still so amazed at this surprise miracle. It's like Tiny is saying, "I'm here momma and I'm gonna be your biggest surprise yet. You just wait and see what I'm gonna do."

 

So seeing those little arms and legs move made me think, "God has a divine purpose for each one of my children. And even though this is the third baby, seeing them on the ultrasound is just as exciting as seeing them for the first or the second time."

 

Lately when I tell people I'm pregnant and how this baby was our beautiful surprise, I always get one of two responses.

 

1) "Oh honey, in the end it will work out," as they roll their eyes in disbelief that I'm gonna have three babies under three years old.

 

Or...

 

2) "You know, each baby is a special gift. Make sure you appreciate them," in I'm Trying to Be a Wise Person like fashion.

 

Well of course it will work out! I love all three of my children. It will be tough but God knew I wanted children close in age. He knew what He was doing. And OF COURSE, I appreciate my babies. When I say that Tiny was a surprise, its a great surprise! Not a bad surprise. It's a, "Oh my gosh Dale, the pregnancy test has a faint line on it. We're...pregnant...again," as I put my hand to my mouth and joyfully laugh kind of surprise.

 

Seeing Tiny Blessing on that monitor made me so thankful. I said out loud to the doctor, "Oh I wish Dale was here to see this." So she took a picture for him to see when I got home. Children are tiny gifts from Heaven. Appreciate the experience, appreciate them. As a mother, you have to go through so much to have them and then when they're born you have a lot of hard parenting ahead of you. Sometimes, you'll have to do things that you don't want to do (like lug around 24 hour urine specimens). But know that each moment in your life (even the embarrassing ones) was created by the Father above for a higher purpose than you ever could imagine.

Psalm 127:3

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.