I shut the back door and immediately notice it's dusk. "Where has the day gone," I ask myself. I walk down the sidewalk and turn on the IPOD and stopwatch. It's delightly cool outside. I feel different--wait a minute. No baby...The Hubs is watching her. The song, "Set Fire to the Rain" begins playing and I'm attentively listening to the first lyrics, "I let it fall, my heart and as it fell you rose to claim it." I think about being exhausted and how I really don't want to do this. But I do it for me...I do it to feel like a person again.
My three minutes of warm up is over. It's time to run and I switch the music to something peppy. Flo Rida is singing about a "Good Feeling." The music makes me want to run faster. I'm breathing hard. My chest hurts. But I tell myself, "You'll feel better after this first run." I begin to pass people on the sidewalk. It's surprisingly motivating. Runners everywhere. It really is a good feeling to see so many people enjoying the evening the same way I do. I'm reminded of being a kid when I run. Good memories flood my mind about playing tag outside with my dad as a little girl. I look down and my four minutes is over. I can walk now.
As I catch my breath, negative thoughts cloud my thinking. Satan has a way of doing that to me. The negative thoughts say, "Why are you doing this? The scale shows no change. You've worked hard enough today...just walk the rest of the way." But I fight back with myself and say, "The scale hasn't changed but you haven't gained back any of the inches you've lost. You feel good when you run. It empowers you. Just try once more." And so I begin running again.
The song, "Faster" comes on and I think about how beautiful the lyrics are...
"You make my heart beat faster."
Now, I'm running downhill past my insecurities. I'm running past the negative thoughts. With every step I take, I'm thinking about how far I've come. From not being able to run at all in June to 17 minutes total now! I've cut down on my resting period. My heart is getting stronger. I look down at the stopwatch...a minute and a half. I can handle this. My running is for me, you know. Not for anyone else. I'm running past the fear of judgement. I'm running past the stress, the worries, I'm running past it all. And it feels so good. This. Is. Mine. I'm not running for a man. I'm not running to be a size 5. I'm running to be ME.
It's time to walk now. I look up and the moon has just peaked through the clouds. So many cars have passed me...I really like living where there are sidewalks to run on. I notice how my legs feel stronger now and how it doesn't hurt as much as it did the first time. Sweat is pouring down my face. Maroon 5 is singing, "Moves Like Jagger" and they're telling me to shoot for the stars. I think about how blessed I am. My Baby Girl is here (through months of infertility she finally made her presence)! I think about how I would do it all over again. The stress of not knowing if I could have a baby, the medication...I would do it all over just to know she was in our lives. Then my thoughts travel to being a woman and not a kid anymore. I tell myself, "Your almost 28. You bare the scars of being a mom. You will never be the same. You need to think about how powerful you are as a woman. Get rid of those thoughts that tell you you're not good enough. Be confident in the way you look...be confident in the way you feel."
"I AM," I tell myself. "I am worthy. I matter." And the song "Good Life" begins playing. This is my final run. I notice how I hold my shoulders back and my head up when I run. It's a confident feeling...a good feeling. And I think about how this really is "The Good Life."
Proverbs 31:29-30
No comments:
Post a Comment