Today January 2, 2018, I found myself in a Vietnamese restaurant eating alone. My green tea soothed my chilled body and the extra cilantro I had requested flavored my Pho just right. People kept trickling in on their lunch break. Quiet voices all around me mixed with the sound of laughter from two college students filled my ears. It was good to be surrounded by life around me even if I was alone. And in my aloneness, my mind settled on the misfortunate happenings of earlier that day.
The day hadn’t gone quite as expected. My initial plan was to make a trip to the local DMV. Apparently it was time to renew my license and a
new picture was required. Although I was perfectly content with a 21 year old picture of myself, they were not. And so I had lathered on what I would consider an appropriate amount of makeup for my 33 year old face and hairsprayed the heck out of my hair. I took care to lightly contour the “fluff” under my chin and practiced tilting my head down with a half smile for the perfect DMV photo. After pulling into the parking lot, I found it unusually empty. “Jackpot, I said. This will be fast!” However, I quickly discovered that January 2nd was a holiday and the joke was on me-it was closed. So my plans had to shift and my day would be different. I visited a few stores but the mindless shopping didn’t interested me. So again, I got back in my car and decided to find a place for lunch. A hot bowl of pho sounded so good and I knew the perfect place..
As I sat alone with phone in hand, I poured over the current news of Hoda Kotb becoming co-anchor for The Today Show and read book reviews on The Elegance of a Hedgehog, my current book club obsession. This was pure bliss; sitting alone listening to soft piano music and sliding into the role of “fly on the wall” to everyone else’s conversations. As the realization of being alone surrounded me, I began to ponder deeper issues such as, “Why do I crave people interaction?” Or,”Why do I place such a high value on other’s opinions of myself?”
One of my greatest victories and turmoils has always been that I am that person who thinks beyond the surface level. I have the uncanny ability to open conversations with political views, global warming, evolution and yes, the meaning of life. You can imagine that many people choose to run away when I open conversations like that! But it’s so hard for me to have surface conversations because they do seem ever so boring and not “life moving”. I know most people prefer surface topics as it’s easy and lighthearted- and that’s fine sometimes. But wanting to know more and why has always been in the forefront of my mind. As a kid, I used to imagine my first day in heaven. I would be sitting at the feet of Jesus just peppering him with questions. “Jesus, who created sin? Jesus, did you know Satan was going to be a fallen angel? Jesus tell me about all the microscopic details of creation!” You see what I mean! It’s like, I need to know it all!
The 21 year old on my driver’s license would have really hid her questions for fear of being “weird.” She would have felt like a strange girl for being deeply introspective. But not now, not at 33. The woman I am today enjoys deep instrospection and tries hard to ignore the superficial feelings that come with needing to be loved by others and the sadness that accompanies aloneness. In fact, I invite aloneness because that’s when the Holy Spirt can enter my thoughts and I feel close to God.
There are a two valid points to my journal entry. First, if we don’t challenge ourselves to think deeply, we are
failing ourselves. We are cheating ourselves out of profound thoughts that develop us into better people. Some may say that they don’t have the time to think beyond what’s in front of them. But what they’re really saying is that they don’t have the desire to go beyond. There is a time and place for surface conversations but staying surface never allows us to peel back the layers of ourselves and others. Think about that for a second.
And last, there is so much freedom in being OKAY with yourself. When referring to the differences in people, I have always shrugged and whispered a silly but truthful statement, “Whatever floats your boat. Whatever melts your butter.” And as if on que people snicker at my dry sense of humor. Yes, it’s somewhat odd and humorous but giving up the desire to be approved of by others invites joy into your own life. A flashing thought crossed my mind, “There are different strokes for different folks and I can’t fake it ‘till I make it.” So many cliches’ in that last sentence! But what I’ve come to know is that faking it never works. You’ve
got to be yourself- the one God created you to be. Yes, there’ll be times when you feel alone but think about the alternative. To give up on who you are would be a much greater sorrow to bear as your authenticity would be stolen by the one and only, YOU.
Placing my cloth napkin on the table, I scribbled the tip and signature on the receipt. Enough alone time for me! Deep thinking can be exhausting. Oh yes, even I need a break from my own thoughts sometimes. But if I didn’t think this deeply or write my thoughts in this journal, how would you know you weren’t the only one? See what I did there? You needed to read this blog. Proverbs 19:8 says, "To acquire wisdom is to love yourself; people who cherish understanding will prosper. You and I are not alone. There are handfuls of us sprinkled everywhere. We are the ones who push others to think outside the box. So take your authenticity and use it for His good.
