The Brutally Honest Truth About My Struggles With Infertility

I sat on the edge of the bath tub one morning, anxiously waiting for the three minutes to pass quickly. “Come on” I said in my head, not wanting The Hubs to come find me. I was hoping that I could take a pregnancy test and surprise him with the good news. In the days before, I had envisioned Baby Girl surprising The Hubs at work wearing a cute “Big Sis” shirt.  But my vision was soon crumbling before me because this was the fourth pregnancy test I had taken-and all were negative.

“Surely, these tests are accurate. They’re supposed to tell five days sooner,” I had been thinking over and over all week.

Each negative test crushed my heart a little more. I knew my body was different than most women. It was perfectly normal for me to have a 50 day cycle. But I suppose the desire to be like everybody else surpassed everything else.

At parks, I would look at the pregnant mommas and think, “How come I can’t be like all the other mommas out there. I want to be able to have a baby naturally. Why do I have to use fertility medication to get pregnant?” I felt less of a woman because of my inability to provide my husband children naturally. At the grocery store, absent minded mothers would leave their babies in the grocery cart while they pranced down another aisle and I would think, “Why God, do you allow some people to have children that don’t need to have children? I could watch over that child much better than her. I could love that child much better. Look at her God! Somebody could steal her baby right now and she wouldn’t have a clue.” And even while singing praise songs at church, a tidal wave of sadness would wash over me when singing about letting God have His way. I would have to stop singing and just listen to the hundreds of voices around me as I fought back tears. “God, I wanted Baby Girl so badly. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a mother. I would go through it all again God…if that’s YOUR WILL. But God it’s going to take so long that way. First the Metformin, and then once my body is used to that, then the Clomid.” Oh the dreaded CIomid. The hot flashes, the unexpected breakdown of emotions… It certainly wasn’t an easy drug to take. I purposely shut off my prayer to avoid any tears during the church service. God heard my heart though. Everywhere I’d go He heard my unspoken prayer…sometimes too difficult to speak aloud.

The three minutes were almost up now. But before I looked at the test I had an epiphany. In order for me to live a happy life and enjoy the beautiful blessing of Baby Girl, I had to be willing to let it all go.  I had to be willing to release all control over to my Lord. So I bowed my head and clasped my hands together and began praying out loud in the bathroom.

“Lord, You know how much I want this and You know how it’s the one thing in this world I can’t buy, I can’t go out and find, and I can’t have it unless You give it to me. Lord, I thank you for Baby Girl. I realize I am blessed more than some who can’t even have one child. Thank you for her. And Lord you know that I struggle with this inability to have a baby on my own. It kills me. But Lord if this is what You want then help me to accept it. Help me God to let it go. Give me peace only You can provide. I ask these things in Your name. Amen.”

I lifted my head and took a deep breath before grabbing the test. I looked down at the test and exhaled loudly. “Not Pregnant,” said the test in big black letters. My eyes were cast downward. I frowned deeply. My spirit crushed but I remembered my prayer. I asked God to help me accept this and I would. I stood up, lifted my head and walked out of the bathroom ready to face my wonderful husband and daughter waiting for me.

A few days later The Hubs said, “Kim, have you got your period yet?” I was hoping he wouldn’t be asking me this. Because I knew that having a baby was on his mind and I wanted to please him so bad.

“No,” I said quietly as I cooked dinner. “I didn’t want to tell you this but I’ve bought five tests and four of them have been negative. It didn’t happen this time. I’m sorry, I wanted to give you another child so bad.”

“Kim, don’t think like that. You know I’m happy with Baby Girl and I love you. We can go to the doctor this month and set you up with the medication. But if you haven’t got your period then you need to take that final test,” The Hubs said gently.

“There’s no reason too. This is what my body does. It going through another 50 day cycle. And I don’t think I can look at another negative pregnancy test.”

“Well, if you’ve missed your period then you need to take a test.” Gosh he was being so persistent.

Giving up, I said, “Okay, but I’m not looking at it. You’ll have to do that. I can’t handle any more negative tests.

After dinner, I went back into the bathroom and took another test. I left the stick on the counter and left the room. The Hubs was doing something in the office but came out when the three minutes were over. I was beginning to get hopeful again but I tried to hold down my hope so that I could handle the bad news. We walked to the bathroom together and I saw the test first. There it was in big black letters, “Pregnant.” I gasped outloud, not believing what I was seeing. “It’s positive! It’s positive!” I gave him the biggest neck hug possible. “We’re pregnant,” I said my voice shaking. He had the cutest grin on his face. “We did it on our own!”

Four negative tests, one desperate prayer for peace, and one positive test! I was in total shock and disbelief. The story of Hannah has always been on my mind and I find it fitting for this blog.

1 Samuel 1: 8-20

“Why are you crying, Hannah?” Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me—isn’t that better than having ten sons?”

Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle.  Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord.

And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.

As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking.

“Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!”

“Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.”

“In that case,” Eli said, “Go in peace! May the God of Israel grant the request you have asked of him.”

“Oh, thank you, sir!” she exclaimed. Then she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad. The entire family got up early the next morning and went to worship the Lord once more. Then they returned home to Ramah. When Elkanah slept with Hannah, the Lord remembered her plea, and in due time she gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, for she said, “I asked the Lord for him.”

Even in Biblical times, women struggled to get pregnant. They experienced the same sorrow and bitterness that we do now. They wanted to please their husbands with children. They prayed silent wordless prayers that came from the deepest part of their heart.

For women, the desire to have a child is strong and powerful. I am no less of a woman because I had to use medication for Baby Girl. But Satan knew my weak spot. He knew where to attack me and what would hurt the worst. My prayer for peace was a “Giving Up” prayer. The Lord wants us to give our whole heart to Him. I am of the belief that here on Earth, we are put through struggling times to work out of us that which is not good. Because of these struggles, when we make it to Heaven we will be wiser, stronger, and perfect in HIS sight.

What is it that you struggle with? What is it that Satan knows is your weak spot? Remember that Satan will continue to attack you as long as you let him. Do you need to find a quiet moment and bow your head? Give it all up to God. Do as Hannah did and pour your heart out to the Lord. God hears you. Even when your too disheartened to put words to your prayer…

Baby Girl will have a brother or sister in April 2013 and we are so thrilled. Our baby’s heartbeat is strong and my own heart is at peace.

Wishing you peace in your hearts. Feel free to comment below if you would like me to pray for you as well.

Love,

Kim

When to Take a Leap of Faith-My Story Part 1

The whole reason my blog was created was to give people inspiration during hard times. This is MY STORY which taught me to appreciate this beautiful life we've been given.      

Grace and Peace Sent Your Way ~Kim

My husband and I...before Baby Girl was born.

In 2008, I was teaching at a Christian High School and began to notice that every time I talked my tongue would hurt (like I had burned it). It never seemed to go away. That summer we moved back to Roanoke so I could go to graduate school and become a School Counselor.

I scheduled a routine dental cleaning and mentioned that I had noticed a white spot on the right side of my tongue that had been there for months. He rattled off some medical term of what it probably was and performed a brush biopsy of my tongue. One week later he called and said that it wasn’t what he thought it was and stated that the cells had come back “Atypical” (something wasn’t right). I didn’t think anything was wrong but he referred me to an Oral Surgeon.

During my next meeting with the Oral Surgeon he said that he highly doubted anything serious was wrong. But he wanted to take out a small portion of my tongue to biopsy. Reluctantly, we scheduled the outpatient procedure and a few days later, the diagnosis came back Moderate Dysplasia (the cells are growing too fast). However, that was all he could tell me and referred me to an Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor.

After looking at my tongue, the ENT doctor, said the only way he could know for sure was to remove a football shaped portion of my tongue and send it to be biopsied. At this point, I am frustrated with the lengthy process this has been. No one seems to know what’s wrong with me and they want to cut out more of my tongue! This was interfering with my counseling training. This was interfering with my life. Grudgingly, I scheduled the surgery for two weeks later... still not believing anything was wrong.

I was put under anesthesia for the surgery. An hour later, I woke up with the worst headache of my life and noticed a male nurse filling out paperwork on the computer. I asked him what they had found out and he went to find the doctor to explain. The doctor rushed in and stated that he had to take out more than he thought. The spot had spread to the back of my tongue. The lab had determined that it was CANCER. I felt like the floor had dropped out from underneath me. I couldn’t possibly be hearing this! I was crying. The nurse handed me a tissue and said, “Go ahead and cry.” The doctor said that they had also checked my throat but nothing was found. They would do chemo and possibly radiation. The first question I asked was, “Am I going to lose my hair?” I don’t even remember what his answer was. And then he left to find my family.

In the days to come people sent flowers, emailed their prayers, called to say they had put me on their prayer list, and some tried to offer up words of encouragement. The support I received was so helpful. But a few people tried to say the right thing and ended up hurting me even more. Some would say, “Remember, God won’t give you more than you can handle” or “Everything happens for a reason” or still yet, “This is all a part of God’s plan.”

I think one of the most important messages I would like for you to take from this is that when someone is faced with a diagnosis of cancer, it isn’t always appropriate to bring up God. I was angry with God and questioning why He would let such a terrible thing happen to me! I had done everything for Him. So I would just smile and nod calmly, wondering in my heart if it was okay to be angry with God as I was.

It wasn’t until a few days later did my calm demeanor suddenly change while riding in the car with my mom. It’s funny how moms just seem to be a resting place for you when you’re broken. “I’m just so angry with Him, Mom. Why would He allow this to happen to me?” My mom took my hand and said with her mouth quivering, “It’s okay to be angry, Kim. Just know that He has chosen you for this because He knew you were strong. You will get through this. We will get through this.” It was her comforting words that day that helped me begin to pick up my boot straps and stay strong. She gave me the freedom to be angry. She had said, “We will get through this.” I felt unbelievable strength and support after hearing this. I was not alone.

Four days later, I decided that I needed, “Normal.” No more thinking about cancer or the threat of leaving my husband alone if I died. So I made the one hour drive back to my college classes. A lot of things can go through your mind when you’re all alone. Sometimes, being alone is the hardest part of all. It was during that trip that I turned off the radio and finally talked to God. “I’m so angry at you God. Why Me?! I don’t smoke cigarettes and I’m not an alcoholic. Why would YOU do this to me?” I cried and I cried, tears so heavy I could barely see to drive. And then I was reminded of a verse my grandmother (someone afflicted with tumors twice in her life) always quotes. Romans 2:11 “For there is no respect of persons with God.” It made sense to me now. God doesn’t pick who He allows bad things to happen to. This could have happened to anyone.  I turned on the radio and the Tenth Avenue North song  By Your Side began playing.

Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face. Just don’t turn away. To where will you go child? To where will you run? Cause I’ll be by your side, wherever you fall, in the dead of night, whenever you call. Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you. My Hands are holding you.

I felt Jesus beside me that day (right there in the passenger seat) and an unbelievable peace which transcends all understanding filled my heart (Philippians 4:7).  That evening as I filled my car up with gas to return home, my phone beeped. It was a voicemail from my doctor, saying that my biopsy slides were sent to UVA for a second opinion and it was determined that I was misdiagnosed! There was NO CANCER!

People say, “Aren’t you mad at the doctors? I’d sue them!” No, I’m not mad. I’m at peace. I’d rather them be safe than sorry. I just heard the worst news of my life… and four days later the very best news.




This is a picture of my husband, brother, and a few friends right before THE JUMP! My husband hated that the only jumpsuit big enough for him was pink. Haha!

During those long four days my brother asked me to go Skydiving (something  I always was against). But I said yes and four months later I kept my promise to him and jumped out of a plane. It was the most freeing feeling for someone who used to LOVE control and then to be able to give it ALL up...and then to release the parachute and hear only a quiet birds get to hear was absolutely amazing. It was that Philippians Peace I talked about earlier.

I was incredibly blessed by God. I know that my story would never compare to someone who was actually afflicted with cancer but I learned so much through this.

1)    SUPPORT

a. When people are going through something tough-be supportive and go through the fire with them.

2)    PROVISION

a. No matter how tough the situation, God always has your back.  He always provides. If He brought you to it, He will bring you through it. 

3)    ENJOY

a. Enjoy this life because you only get one chance to live on Earth. Challenge yourself to do things you wouldn’t do. YOU are stronger than you know.

ENJOY this life to the fullest!