The Brutally Honest Truth About My Struggles With Infertility

I sat on the edge of the bath tub one morning, anxiously waiting for the three minutes to pass quickly. “Come on” I said in my head, not wanting The Hubs to come find me. I was hoping that I could take a pregnancy test and surprise him with the good news. In the days before, I had envisioned Baby Girl surprising The Hubs at work wearing a cute “Big Sis” shirt.  But my vision was soon crumbling before me because this was the fourth pregnancy test I had taken-and all were negative.

“Surely, these tests are accurate. They’re supposed to tell five days sooner,” I had been thinking over and over all week.

Each negative test crushed my heart a little more. I knew my body was different than most women. It was perfectly normal for me to have a 50 day cycle. But I suppose the desire to be like everybody else surpassed everything else.

At parks, I would look at the pregnant mommas and think, “How come I can’t be like all the other mommas out there. I want to be able to have a baby naturally. Why do I have to use fertility medication to get pregnant?” I felt less of a woman because of my inability to provide my husband children naturally. At the grocery store, absent minded mothers would leave their babies in the grocery cart while they pranced down another aisle and I would think, “Why God, do you allow some people to have children that don’t need to have children? I could watch over that child much better than her. I could love that child much better. Look at her God! Somebody could steal her baby right now and she wouldn’t have a clue.” And even while singing praise songs at church, a tidal wave of sadness would wash over me when singing about letting God have His way. I would have to stop singing and just listen to the hundreds of voices around me as I fought back tears. “God, I wanted Baby Girl so badly. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a mother. I would go through it all again God…if that’s YOUR WILL. But God it’s going to take so long that way. First the Metformin, and then once my body is used to that, then the Clomid.” Oh the dreaded CIomid. The hot flashes, the unexpected breakdown of emotions… It certainly wasn’t an easy drug to take. I purposely shut off my prayer to avoid any tears during the church service. God heard my heart though. Everywhere I’d go He heard my unspoken prayer…sometimes too difficult to speak aloud.

The three minutes were almost up now. But before I looked at the test I had an epiphany. In order for me to live a happy life and enjoy the beautiful blessing of Baby Girl, I had to be willing to let it all go.  I had to be willing to release all control over to my Lord. So I bowed my head and clasped my hands together and began praying out loud in the bathroom.

“Lord, You know how much I want this and You know how it’s the one thing in this world I can’t buy, I can’t go out and find, and I can’t have it unless You give it to me. Lord, I thank you for Baby Girl. I realize I am blessed more than some who can’t even have one child. Thank you for her. And Lord you know that I struggle with this inability to have a baby on my own. It kills me. But Lord if this is what You want then help me to accept it. Help me God to let it go. Give me peace only You can provide. I ask these things in Your name. Amen.”

I lifted my head and took a deep breath before grabbing the test. I looked down at the test and exhaled loudly. “Not Pregnant,” said the test in big black letters. My eyes were cast downward. I frowned deeply. My spirit crushed but I remembered my prayer. I asked God to help me accept this and I would. I stood up, lifted my head and walked out of the bathroom ready to face my wonderful husband and daughter waiting for me.

A few days later The Hubs said, “Kim, have you got your period yet?” I was hoping he wouldn’t be asking me this. Because I knew that having a baby was on his mind and I wanted to please him so bad.

“No,” I said quietly as I cooked dinner. “I didn’t want to tell you this but I’ve bought five tests and four of them have been negative. It didn’t happen this time. I’m sorry, I wanted to give you another child so bad.”

“Kim, don’t think like that. You know I’m happy with Baby Girl and I love you. We can go to the doctor this month and set you up with the medication. But if you haven’t got your period then you need to take that final test,” The Hubs said gently.

“There’s no reason too. This is what my body does. It going through another 50 day cycle. And I don’t think I can look at another negative pregnancy test.”

“Well, if you’ve missed your period then you need to take a test.” Gosh he was being so persistent.

Giving up, I said, “Okay, but I’m not looking at it. You’ll have to do that. I can’t handle any more negative tests.

After dinner, I went back into the bathroom and took another test. I left the stick on the counter and left the room. The Hubs was doing something in the office but came out when the three minutes were over. I was beginning to get hopeful again but I tried to hold down my hope so that I could handle the bad news. We walked to the bathroom together and I saw the test first. There it was in big black letters, “Pregnant.” I gasped outloud, not believing what I was seeing. “It’s positive! It’s positive!” I gave him the biggest neck hug possible. “We’re pregnant,” I said my voice shaking. He had the cutest grin on his face. “We did it on our own!”

Four negative tests, one desperate prayer for peace, and one positive test! I was in total shock and disbelief. The story of Hannah has always been on my mind and I find it fitting for this blog.

1 Samuel 1: 8-20

“Why are you crying, Hannah?” Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me—isn’t that better than having ten sons?”

Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle.  Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord.

And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.

As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking.

“Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!”

“Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.”

“In that case,” Eli said, “Go in peace! May the God of Israel grant the request you have asked of him.”

“Oh, thank you, sir!” she exclaimed. Then she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad. The entire family got up early the next morning and went to worship the Lord once more. Then they returned home to Ramah. When Elkanah slept with Hannah, the Lord remembered her plea, and in due time she gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, for she said, “I asked the Lord for him.”

Even in Biblical times, women struggled to get pregnant. They experienced the same sorrow and bitterness that we do now. They wanted to please their husbands with children. They prayed silent wordless prayers that came from the deepest part of their heart.

For women, the desire to have a child is strong and powerful. I am no less of a woman because I had to use medication for Baby Girl. But Satan knew my weak spot. He knew where to attack me and what would hurt the worst. My prayer for peace was a “Giving Up” prayer. The Lord wants us to give our whole heart to Him. I am of the belief that here on Earth, we are put through struggling times to work out of us that which is not good. Because of these struggles, when we make it to Heaven we will be wiser, stronger, and perfect in HIS sight.

What is it that you struggle with? What is it that Satan knows is your weak spot? Remember that Satan will continue to attack you as long as you let him. Do you need to find a quiet moment and bow your head? Give it all up to God. Do as Hannah did and pour your heart out to the Lord. God hears you. Even when your too disheartened to put words to your prayer…

Baby Girl will have a brother or sister in April 2013 and we are so thrilled. Our baby’s heartbeat is strong and my own heart is at peace.

Wishing you peace in your hearts. Feel free to comment below if you would like me to pray for you as well.

Love,

Kim