A Beautiful Mess...Embracing My Imperfectness

 
"Momma, cookie. Cookie! COOKIE!"

 

I came back to reality and realized Baby Girl was on "repeat" once more. She wanted a cookie and this was the thousandths time I had told her, "No, cookies are for after dinner." I...had been daydreaming for the thousandths time about going on vacation. More specifically about driving to the airport with no destination in mind, picking an exotic location and booking my one way flight to nowhere. But reality came back very quickly as a stream of pee came flying at me as I changed Baby Boy's poopy diaper.

 

"I want a cookie. No...umm...I need a COOKIE!!"

 

"Baby Girl, go sit in your chair. I already told you, No more cookies until after dinner."

And she ran away from me screaming like a baby.

 

I'm not gonna lie. At that moment, I wanted to scream too! I wanted to scream to the roof top. I wanted to stomp my feet just like Baby Girl. And yes, I even wanted to cry big crocodile tears...exactly like my tantruming two year old.

 

This job is hard stuff. I never thought being a stay-at-home mom was going to be stressful but my gosh, I kick myself everyday for not being more appreciative of my own mother. And it shames me to say, this job, was never what I had intended on doing. When I was young, I had great plans to impact the world in a big way. I would say to my mom, "God has big plans for me. I don't know what they are but I'm going to do something great." I thought people only got recognition from doing a corporate job or a medical job. At that time, I thought being a stay-at-home mom was just not for me. Boy, was I so naïve and cocky! And it really bothers me to think that my mom had to sit and listen to me, for all those years, talk about how I wasn't going to stay home.

Fast forward 16 + years to a few days ago, The Hubs and I were sitting on the patio talking about our days. It was dusk and Baby Girl was playing at her water table. I was holding Baby Boy. He told me about his day of conference calls and getting to go out on business dinners. I couldn't help but be jealous. Satan was burning a huge hole in my heart. I tried with all my might to think of something interesting to say.

 

You know, like, "Well Baby Girl stuck her hand in her poopy diaper today or I'm pumping 40 oz now!"

 

But the more I talked, the more Satan turned the knife in my heart. He had got me.

 

"You are worthless." Satan said. " Why even bother talking when all you have to say is about poop and breast milk?"

 

Now, Satan didn't really say this to me. It was my own free will talking down to myself. And I was GOOD at it. So I shut my mouth and listened to The Hubs a little more.

 

"I need help." I blurted. "I can't clean the whole house and take care of two kids on my own. Every time I get ready to do something, one of them screams or needs to be fed...or poops! Maybe I should get a housecleaner."

 

The Hubs says matter of factly, "Well all we need to do is have a schedule. Monday, Wednesday, Friday you wash the clothes and we will fold them together that night." Sounded like a pretty good idea to me but he was missing the point!

 

I was drowning. Drowning in laundry, and little tots tears, and losing patience quickly. I didn't want him to say that he had the answer. What I wanted was for him to APPRECIATE me. I wanted him to say I was doing a FABULOUS job. But who am I kidding! He didn't know that's what I needed. He heard the facts and provided the solution. But I needed him to read my mind.

 

Needless to say, you can imagine that the conversation didn't end well. I told him the truth. That I was jealous of him. That I wanted to be the one doing great things. I had always dreamed of doing something great, right? He was getting to go out each day and have business dinners and fly on planes weekly. And here I was doing exactly what I hadn't intended on doing.

 

And even now, as I write this out and the tears come, God has invaded my mind. He keeps whispering in my ear, "You are doing exaxtly what I had intended for you to do. You are fulfilling my big plans for you. You are worth it. Kim, no one sees it but I do. Raising these children, loving them unconditionally, showing Baby Girl how to control her temper and teaching them about Me is more than enough. Let go of your plans and take hold of my plans.

 

I belong to a wonderful MOPS group and one of the mentor moms spoke about how our life is a beautiful mess. She told us not to look at someone else's life and think that  they had it all together. She said that everyone has problems and everyone's life was a beautiful mess. So I'm vowing in front of my God and my blogging friends to let go of the idea of a perfect house, a perfect family, and a perfect me. I am beautifully imperfect and thank God He made me that way.

 

 

 

 

Embracing My Imperfectness,

Kim