Rejection, exclusion, ugliness, it's not a new idea by any stretch of the imagination. So you would think, when we experience rejection we wouldn't take it so harshly, right? Wrong. Rejection hurts. No matter what age you are. Exclusion feels like a sucker punch to the stomach. It's no laughing matter. And ugliness leaves you feeling angry and disheartened all at the same time-like you've lost all faith in human kind. In reality, we all have experienced these feelings before, whether it be as a child experiencing the hurt of their best friend saying, "I don't want to be your friend anymore." Or as a teenager, experiencing a break up with unexplained answers. Taking it even further to those first college applications and getting a very polite rejection letter to your First Pick. Oh man, your heart sunk. And finally to adulthood: work place drama, a group of close friends excluding you or church members deciding that ugliness is better than kindness. Man, it just feels awful. It doesn't feel good, right?
The first question you ask yourself is, "Why? What's wrong with me?" Over days you ruminate over what it was. "Maybe it was because of this? Maybe it was because I said this?" You ask an ungodly amount of questions trying to figure out how you can fix it.
With my heart open to you, I have to honestly say, "Yes, this. All these examples of rejection, exclusion and ugliness have happened to me." And over months and months of digging deep in my Bible, I have accumulated a multitude of scripture that have helped me cope with a failing friendship. In the form of my actual prayers, I want to authentically share with you what the Lord has shown me that helped me release control to Him.
"Lord, if it's me, help me to figure out how to fix it."
At first glance, this seems like a genuine prayer. You ask the Lord to bring awareness to the problem within you. In essence, you are telling the Father that what He created is messed up. And secondly, you show Him a lack of faith; believing that only you can fix it. This is a lie. Only the Father can fix what is broken. And the first step is in mending your heart.
Telling God that you will fix it, is like a little child saying to their parents, "Don't worry mom and dad, I'll pay the bill." Don't you see how foolish that sounds! Our Father has already paid the bill, so why don't you trust Him? Instead say, "Lord you have seen my heart ache for this situation. You know that my heart is in the right place. I know that You can fix all things broken if it is in Your Will."
But Lord, I know that You have called me to love everyone. What if I can't make them love me? Is it still my responsibility to keep trying relentlessly?
This one was hard for me. For some reason, I was under the impression that I needed to continuously try to find favor among all people. Why? Because in my mind, my job (as a believer) was to make them like me, so that they would love Him. Can you spot the irrational thinking? I now can. First of all, you are not God. You have no control over whether others like you or not. Did all people like Christ? Absolutely not. The Pharisees were constantly trying to trip Jesus up.
“But Jesus knew their evil motives. “You hypocrites!” he said. “Why are you trying to trap me? Here, show me the coin used for the tax.” When they handed him a Roman coin, he asked, “Whose picture and title are stamped on it?” “Caesar’s,” they replied. “Well, then,” he said, “give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and give to God what belongs to God.””
Matthew 22:18-21
“As Jesus was leaving, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees became hostile and tried to provoke him with many questions. They wanted to trap him into saying something they could use against him.”
Luke 11:53-54 NLT
It wasn't until I read Luke 9 that I began to understand that not all people would be accepting of me. And Jesus gave his disciples specific instructions if that happened to them. Read the following verses to see what I mean.
“One day Jesus called together his twelve disciples and gave them power and authority to cast out all demons and to heal all diseases. Then he sent them out to tell everyone about the Kingdom of God and to heal the sick. “Take nothing for your journey,” he instructed them. “Don’t take a walking stick, a traveler’s bag, food, money, or even a change of clothes. Wherever you go, stay in the same house until you leave town. And if a town refuses to welcome you, shake its dust from your feet as you leave to show that you have abandoned those people to their fate.”
Luke 9:1-5 NLT
This is where I came to the realization that Jesus was giving me the OK to move on. And when I read those verses, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I did not have to worry about controlling the situation anymore. I could begin to take care of myself, and feel no anguish or guilt for not winning someone over. What freedom to read, "...shake it's dust from your feet."!
My God, you know how easily I put my hope and trust in mankind. You have seen my disappointment when others are hurtful. I know I have not put my faith in You. Forgive me.
“This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.””
Jeremiah 17:5-10 NIV
After reading these verses, I began to understand where I had messed up. My trust was in mankind, something I could see with my eyes.
I imagined the bush in the first example to be dry and withered from lack of living water. And in the second example, I imagined the tree to have strong roots (a stronghold in the faith). It continuously flourished because it's roots had a continuous supply of living water.
What is this living water I speak of? It's Jesus; a steadfast trust in Jesus. It's having faith that the Lord will provide all your needs at the perfect time. You can not see that the tree is taking water from its' roots but you have faith that the tree will lack nothing. It's leaves are green and it always bears fruit. This is what trusting in the Lord is like. Although you can not see Him, you know He is faithful and will provide.
Lord, lead me in making this right. Give me words to speak up for what is right.
For a few years, I have been practicing the Matthew 18 Principle and usually find it to be the best way of clearing the air when problems arise.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
Matthew 18:15-18
The Bible gives clear advice on how to handle conflict. However, confrontation is hard! And most people do not like it-whether you are the confronter or the one being confronted. For years, people (including myself) waste extraordinary energy holding the offense in! They would rather sweep the problem under the rug than be reconciled with one another.
Why do churches break up? Long friendships suddenly disappear? To be the body of Christ, we must take care of one another and take care of our relationships. The moment you choose to hold the offense in instead of talking, is the moment you allow Satan to begin his work in your life. He begins to whisper lies to you...in the end destroying the relationship.
The only way I could look at the offender with love was by removing them from the problem. You see they weren't really the problem at all, it was Satan. You say to me, "Really? How can you put all the blame on Satan?" And I can say, read Ephesians for answers.
“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
Forgiveness is not a once and done kind of thing. It is a continual renewing of your mind. You will have to make the choice to choose forgiveness daily.
“...Turn to me now, while there is time.
Give me your hearts.
Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.
Don’t tear your clothing in your grief,
but tear your hearts instead.”
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is merciful and compassionate,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He is eager to relent and not punish.
Who knows? Perhaps he will give you a reprieve,
sending you a blessing instead of this curse.
But what happens, if when confronting they won't listen? What happens if their relationship goals are not the same as yours?
This is the tough part! This is the moment you must choose to let go instead of hold on. You must choose to forgive and love even when it feels like they show no signs of reciprocation. You must choose to forgive even when today's society tells us to seek justice. And in by doing so, you will find a deeper relationship with your Father and you will love yourself as you should.
But how do I love? How do I forgive?
This one is even harder! And to be honest, I still struggle with this. But hey, that's what being human is all about, right? Once we become Christians, the Father begins to mold us and shape us into new creatures. Why? So that one day we will be completely ready for Heaven. He has already wiped away our sins-past, present and future. But that doesn't mean our job is done. We still must strive for the fruit of the Spirit everyday.
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“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
Ephesians 6:12
You see, once Satan and a third of the angels were thrown out of Heaven (Revelations 12:4), their main mission was to destroy Christianity. And they do that by whispering to you negative thoughts, evil doings and judgments daily. They want to see you live in hate.
We must fight back! We must say, "No, not me! I refuse to let Satan whisper in my ear." Then you begin to look at the offender differently. You begin to see them as just another human being struggling to live a good life. Your heart softens to them because you realize you have been in the same boat yourself. What matters is not whether they come to you with an apology but rather, that they know Jesus. If they are Christians, then you know they are in their own battle of transformation. If they are not Christians, well then you pray. You pray hard! They are in the biggest battle of their earthly life. It won't be until they accept Jesus that indescribable peace fills their heart.
Forgiveness is a journey. But I tell you, if you do not choose forgiveness how can your Father forgive you for all the things you have done (Matthew 6:15)? For me, it is easier to forgive someone who isn't a Christian. I had more compassion for them, than I did my fellow believers. I would say to the Lord,
"But Lord, they are supposed to be a Christian and they are treating me this way! Why? I don't understand. How can I forgive?"
And then I read Luke 17:3-6
So watch yourselves!“If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”The apostles said to the Lord, “Show us how to increase our faith.”
The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!
These three verses look like two different topics all together. But they are actually one in the same. It takes faith to forgive, right? Oh yes! It takes faith in God to forgive, to restore, to rebuild. We must trust that the Lord knows what He is doing when He asks us to forgive all.
Wow! I don't know about you all, but I feel like I've been to church. The battle of rejection, exclusion and ugliness is a nasty one. But the love of our Father, the forgiveness He offers, the beauty in Him is more precious than any of these first world problems. I want to close with a few Bible verses that can be spoken like a prayer. If you are currently experiencing the hurt of rejection, the loneliness of exclusion or the sucker punch of ugliness, I encourage you to bow your head and pray this with me.
Our Gracious Heavenly Father,
You know all about it. You know the hurt because you've been there yourself. I am so thankful for your goodness, for your word, for your presence that is in my life. I know you said in Joel,
“...Turn to me now, while there is time.
Give me your hearts.
Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.
Don’t tear your clothing in your grief,
but tear your hearts instead.”
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is merciful and compassionate,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He is eager to relent and not punish.
Who knows? Perhaps he will give you a reprieve,
sending you a blessing instead of this curse.
Joel 2:12-14a
Father, I believe You can turn this nasty situation into a blessing. Help me to be willing to forgive, soften my heart and help me to know when to let go. It is all these things I ask in Your Precious Holy Name, Amen.
