"I Want Your Confidence"

Recently, I decided to measure myself after a hard workout at the gym. Surely, the only thing growing about me was my belly, right? So I locked myself in the hall bath because what would I say if Baby Girl asked me what I was doing...

"Half an inch?! How does my arms get bigger by half an inch?" I chastised myself. 

The berating kept on..."I can understand my trunk getting bigger and maybe even my thighs but my arms!!! Last time I checked there's no baby growing in my arms."

It felt like I should just throw in the towel. All the hard work was just a waste of my time. I confided in The Hubs about it that night and he said that he could understand why that would be frustrating. It's not easy working so hard and getting no positive results. But he also told me how awesome it was to see me exercising so hard with my growing baby bump. 

"You don't see many pregnant people at the gym, Kim. I saw you there and I thought you looked cute," he said.

"Cute? No one wants to look cute, Dale. They want to look...sexy. Are you still attracted to me?"

"Now Kim, you know that's not what I meant. Yes! I think you are sexy. When I saw you exercising there the other night, I was just so proud of you."

Just talking to him lifted my spirits. So the next day, I went back. I threw my shower bag in the locker and headed straight for the Crossramp machine. It's a lot like a stair stepper. I worked it! I was sweating profusely and breathing heavy. The song, "Beautiful" by Akon was blaring loudly in my ear piece and I felt so good...so strong...so beautiful.

"When I see you, I run out of words to say. I wouldn't leave you because you're that type of girl to make me stay. Your so beautiful...beautiful..."

 

It reminded me of how blessed I am to have such a loving man to be by my side. He's always so patient with me especially when my pregnancy hormones are going crazy. And just that feeling made me want to work harder.

 

Who cares if my arms are getting bigger-so is my HEART! I'm stronger than ever before. (If you've been following my blog for the past two years, you'll recall me blogging about my first experience running and how I couldn't even run for 1 MINUTE). And now- I'm pushing my body further through cross training three times a week! This is the most I've exercised in any pregnancy and when people ask me how I feel, I always respond with, "The best ever. No problems at all." I really believe my energy and strength comes from a stronger heart.

 

After the cool down, I took off towards the shower. This has become my new secret mom obsession. I will go to the gym with unwashed hair just so I can shower there. Think about it. No kids! Usually at home, my hair is full of shampoo lather when I hear the sound of running water. I have to jump out of the shower and scoop up a 16 month old who has climbed into the Jacuzzi and turned on the hot water. So showers at the gym are a pure spa experience for me.

 

I opened the locker room door and saw about fifteen older women ranging in age from 60-75. They must have just finished a pool class. How awesome it was to see older women still working out and still caring. A few of them were sitting on the benches side by side in their bathing suits...just gabbing like young women do. Two of them were carrying on a conversation by the sink in their granny panties and I thought, "I want your confidence. You ladies are amazing." Here I was, covered up completely in my beach towel not wanting to expose even a knee cap and they were so free. It made me wonder...did they struggle with this confidence issue at 20, 30, 40 or 50? When did they just say, "WHO REALLY CARES! It's my body and I'm gonna love it."

 

 

Which brings me to final thought. I see so many women struggling to be thin. They think, "When I'm thin then I'll be happy." The light in their eyes has left and all that remains is insecurity and criticizing of themselves. Young women--we are putting ourselves through a literal hell. Each day we get a choice to be happy with what we've accomplished (our kids, our job, our relationships). We get a choice to be satisfied with life. But instead the choice we make is to be unhappy with ourselves, judgmental of ourselves and angry with ourselves. This cycle will NEVER end if we continue to say, "I'm not good enough."

 

I'm making the stand that I am good enough. I will never be Skinny Minnie or Beanpole Betty. I will not try to achieve this. I will be happy with myself, my pregnant body, my post pregnant body, my healthy body. It's not about BONES being the new beautiful or BIG being the new beautiful. It's about HEALTHY  being the new beautiful. So I work out. I sweat and most likely will remain a size 10-12. I will have a strong heart and even stronger self esteem. My eyes will be bright because the light hasn't left them and my smile will prove to all women, "I've got the confidence."

 

 

In closing, I've been studying the Proverbs 31 woman and want to encourage each of you to pick one section to claim as your own. Mine will be, "She is energetic and strong, a hard worker." This will be what I strive for each and every day.

 

A Wife of Noble Character

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
    She is more precious than rubies.
Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

She finds wool and flax
    and busily spins it.
She is like a merchant’s ship,
    bringing her food from afar.
She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She is energetic and strong,
    a hard worker.
She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
    her lamp burns late into the night.

Her hands are busy spinning thread,
    her fingers twisting fiber.
She extends a helping hand to the poor
    and opens her arms to the needy.
She has no fear of winter for her household,
    for everyone has warm^[c] clothes.

She makes her own bedspreads.
    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
Her husband is well known at the city gates,
    where he sits with the other civic leaders.
She makes belted linen garments
    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household
    and suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.
    Her husband praises her:
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
    but you surpass them all!”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done.
    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

 

Proverbs 31:10-31