Authenticity for His Good

Today January 2, 2018, I found myself in a Vietnamese restaurant eating alone. My green tea soothed my chilled body and the extra cilantro I had requested flavored my Pho just right. People kept trickling in on their lunch break. Quiet voices all around me mixed with the sound of laughter from two college students filled my ears. It was good to be surrounded by life around me even if I was alone. And in my aloneness, my mind settled on the misfortunate happenings of earlier that day.

The day hadn’t gone quite as expected. My initial plan was to make a trip to the local DMV. Apparently it was time to renew my license and a new picture was required. Although I was perfectly content with a 21 year old picture of myself,  they were not. And so I had lathered on what I would consider an appropriate amount of makeup for my 33 year old face and hairsprayed the heck out of my hair. I took care to lightly contour the “fluff” under my chin and practiced tilting my head down with a half smile for the perfect DMV photo. After pulling into the parking lot, I found it unusually empty. “Jackpot, I said. This will be fast!” However, I quickly discovered that January 2nd was a holiday and the joke was on me-it was closed. So my plans had to shift and my day would be different. I visited a few stores but the mindless shopping didn’t interested me. So again, I got back in my car and decided to find a place for lunch. A hot bowl of pho sounded so good and I knew the perfect place..

As I sat alone with phone in hand, I poured over the current news of Hoda Kotb becoming co-anchor for The Today Show and read book reviews on The Elegance of a Hedgehog, my current book club obsession. This was pure bliss; sitting alone listening to soft piano music and sliding into the role of “fly on the wall” to everyone else’s conversations. As the realization of being alone surrounded me, I began to ponder deeper issues such as, “Why do I crave people interaction?” Or,”Why do I place such a high value on other’s opinions of myself?”

One of my greatest victories and turmoils has always been that I am that person who thinks beyond the surface level. I have the uncanny ability to open conversations with political views, global warming, evolution and yes, the meaning of  life. You can imagine that many people choose to run away when I open conversations like that! But it’s so hard for me to have surface conversations because they do seem ever so boring and not “life moving”. I know most people prefer surface topics as it’s easy and lighthearted- and that’s fine sometimes. But wanting to know more and why has always been in the forefront of my mind. As a kid, I used to imagine my first day in heaven. I would be sitting at the feet of Jesus just peppering him with questions. “Jesus, who created sin? Jesus, did you know Satan was going to be a fallen angel? Jesus tell me about all the microscopic details of creation!” You see what I mean! It’s like, I need to know it all!

The 21 year old on my driver’s license would have really hid her questions for fear of being “weird.” She would have felt like a strange girl for being deeply introspective. But not now, not at 33. The woman I am today enjoys deep instrospection and tries hard to ignore the  superficial feelings that come with needing to be loved by others and the sadness that accompanies aloneness. In fact, I invite aloneness because that’s when the Holy Spirt can enter my thoughts and I feel close to God.

There are a two valid points to my journal entry. First,  if we don’t challenge ourselves to think deeply, we are failing ourselves. We are cheating ourselves out of profound thoughts that develop us into better people. Some may say that they don’t have the time to think beyond what’s in front of them. But what they’re really saying is that they don’t have the desire to go beyond. There is a time and place for surface conversations but staying surface never allows us to peel back the layers of ourselves and others. Think about that for a second.

And last, there is so much freedom in being OKAY with yourself. When referring to the differences in people, I have always shrugged and whispered a silly but truthful statement, “Whatever floats your boat. Whatever melts your butter.” And as if on que people snicker at my dry sense of humor. Yes, it’s somewhat odd and humorous but giving up the desire to be approved of by others invites joy into your own life. A flashing thought crossed my mind, “There are different strokes for different folks and I can’t fake it ‘till I make it.” So many cliches’ in that last sentence! But what I’ve come to know is that faking it never works. You’ve

got to be yourself- the one God created you to be. Yes, there’ll be times when you feel alone but think about the alternative. To give up on who you are would be a much greater sorrow to bear as your authenticity would be stolen by the one and only, YOU.

Placing my cloth napkin on the table, I scribbled the tip and signature on the receipt. Enough alone time for me! Deep thinking can be exhausting. Oh yes, even I need a break from my own thoughts sometimes. But if I didn’t think this deeply or write my thoughts in this journal, how would you know you weren’t the only one? See what I did there? You needed to read this blog. Proverbs 19:8 says, "To acquire wisdom is to love yourself; people who cherish understanding will prosper. You and I are not alone. There are handfuls of us sprinkled everywhere. We are the ones who push others to think outside the box. So take your authenticity and use it for His good.

Would I Have Been The One?

Lord God, I fall to my knees thanking you, honoring you as King of my heart. You searched for me and rejoiced when I was found. I don't deserve this love. I humbly bow before you. Where would I have been on that day you were crucified? Would I have been the one yelling, "Barabbas! Free Barabbas!"?  Or would I have been the one with unbelief in my heart saying, "This isn't the Messiah."? Would I have been one of many in the crowd who screamed, "Crucify him!" Would I have been the women crying to see their Lord crucified? Would I have been the criminal on the cross who scoffed at you not believing you were the Christ? Or would I have been the criminal who humbly surrendered his life to You? The truth is Lord, I am no better than any of them. I don't deserve this unconditional love and mercy you give me daily. So I lift my hands to heaven in complete adoration. I pray for those who haven't experienced this unexplainable peace that has filled my heart since the age of 12. When I gave my life to you, I didn't know how much You would affect my life. You have provided me hope and peace and LIFE everlasting. I think of these verses with head bowed low. I can't wait for the day I can stand with the masses singing songs of praise to you. Amen.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

Reckless Love, Cory Asbury

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father’s will that even one of these little ones should perish." ~Matthew 18:12-14

Drop It Like It’s Hot

A new year a new you, right? Out with the old, in with the new. Drop it like it’s hot. Wait...what? Drop it like it’s hot? Yah you know, like dropping those pounds, dropping those friends, dropping that stress. Seems like a good idea when first thought of but I’d like to offer an alternative perspective.

Every time we say, “See ya, 2017! This year sucked,” essentially we are saying that the year God blessed us with wasn't good enough. Sure, each year can come with some pretty terrible moments but isn’t being able to breathe a blessing? Or have food on the table? Or a hot shower?  Sometimes we need to refocus our thoughts from the past and find the positive moments that did exist.

Or how ‘bout every time we say, “Gonna lose those pounds.” Sure getting healthier is great but sometimes we downgrade ourselves so much that we forget we are more than a number. We are more than a pants size. Instead we should refocus and say, “Because I am worthy, I’d like to lose a few pounds so I can be healthier.”

And lastly, the most dreaded phrase of all. “It’s time to drop that friend.”  Okay now wait, hold on a sec. Yes, some people are Negative Nelly, Sad Sammy or Toxic Tina but this phrase is going around A LOT lately! The honest truth is that most people in our lives aren’t this way. Maybe instead we should say,”BEFORE I drop ‘so and so’,  I’m gonna muster up enough courage to discuss with them my feelings. Sometimes we are so afraid of confrontation that we are willing to give up a friendship . Please don’t think I’m saying you can never get rid of people that are hurting you. You can! But evaluate your choices. Imagine what the future would look like without that person in your life. If the answer is that you may miss them, how about giving them a second or third chance. On the other hand, if your answer involves words like peaceful, stressless, tearless then yes, maybe it’s time to drop that friend.

Some of you know that I listen to audiobooks while I work around the house. Lately I’ve been listening to Anne of Avonlea by Lucy Maud Montgomery. Highly recommend it, by the way. There's one part in the book that I just love and needed to hear. Anne is speaking about regret with Mrs. Allan, a woman somewhat older than herself with just a hair more wisdom that Anne. When Anne opens up about regretting a past mistake, Mrs. Allan shares this tidbit of wisdom.

“We should regret our mistakes and learn from them 

but never carry them forward into the future with us.”

As we enter 2018, I beg of you to consider a new type of resolution. Resolve in your heart and mind to be kind to yourself and others. We are all imperfect creatures made perfect by the blood of Jesus. We don’t deserve all this love, grace and mercy He bestows upon us. But because He thinks we are worthy, we should give ourselves (and others) the same love, grace and mercy that He gives us.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32

A Place Worth Living In

A couple days before Christmas, I sat in a very long fast food line waiting to get three kids their favorite treat-chicken nuggets. To save money I hadn’t got the very much coveted happy meal. Sorry kids, no toy this time. It was too close to Christmas. I had also not ordered myself anything but looking at the picture menu as I sat waiting, I thought,”A latte would be nice. I’ll ask her if I can add it when I reach the window.”

At the window, I asked to add the latte but for some reason the computer had frozen up. I didn’t really mind but she was insistent on getting it to ring up. I was getting antsy as I hate making people wait for me. I nervously looked through my rear view mirror. The older man behind me was waving his hand around, talking to the air. I could only imagine the things he was saying about the momma in front with the mini-van FULL of kids.

At first, a wave of anger washed over me. I thought, “He really needs to step into my shoes before getting so angry over waiting a few extra minutes.”

Then I looked at his clothes. He had obviously been working hard, as his clothes appeared rugged and worn from a dusty job. The pickup truck he was driving looked to be one from the late 80’s. He reminded me of so many good men I have been blessed to know that work hard outside jobs. As if God was giving me a good talking to, I decided to let it go and give this man some much needed grace.

“Ma'am? I’ve got the second manager to fix the problem. It will be $4.85.”

“Aw thank you. Please use my card to pay for the man behind me as well.” She looked up from her register as if surprised and said she would. The manager behind her popped her head around the corner and said,”Looks like someone’s got the Christmas Spirit!”

Smiling at the ladies I said, “Be sure to tell him Merry Christmas from me.”

I grabbed the latte and nuggets as quick as I could and sped away. I don’t know what came over me but  I didn’t want to catch his reaction! Maybe it was because I was still embarrassed that I had held up the line for so long. Or maybe it was because I was so excited for having done something good, that I didn’t want to spoil the moment by hanging around to get a ‘thank you.' But for whatever reason it was, I definitely felt like I had done my job as a servant for Christ.

Friends, our number one job is to treat others with kindness-even when they don’t deserve it. If Jesus can love us with all our faults, why shouldn’t we be able to replicate that to others? Selfishness is one of our biggest problems today. We believe others should do for us without even thinking of how we should treat them. People are often self-centered;only thinking of how to please themselves. They often focus on how someone else isn't contributing to their emotional well-being; as if another person were responsible for their happiness! But what if we turned the tables and started to be selfless? What if we thought about how to bless others before we blessed ourselves? I'd venture to believe our world would be a totally different place...a place worth living in.

“But— When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he made us right in his sight and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying, and I want you to insist on these teachings so that all who trust in God will devote themselves to doing good. These teachings are good and beneficial for everyone.”

‭‭Titus‬ ‭3:4-8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I Am So Proud Of ME

I'm about to write something that is an accomplishment for me. I have lost all of my "Tiny Blessing" weight. That has never happened for me before. I've always stayed five pounds heavier with each child I've had. And on top of that good news, I've also lost two pounds of my Baby Boy weight!

As I write this out, my mind is telling me that I don't deserve this...or that it was all that breastfeeding I've been doing. But I have to remind myself that never before have I been able to get all that weight off me.

I also keep telling myself that I may gain it back. I know, I know...I'm terrible with the mind games. Why can't I just be happy with my success?

I think as women we put so much pressure on ourselves to look like we have it all together. We mad dash clean our house for people to come over. Only for them to open a closet and all the crap come tumbling out. We slap on makeup to hide our tired wrinkled eyes, in hopes someone will tell us we have beautiful skin. Only to wipe it off at the end of the day and stare sadly into the mirror, wishing we were still in our 20's. And the killer, as we change our clothes we catch a glimpse of our stretched out skin in the mirror and long for the days when we could wear tighter shirts and our flub didn't hang out. Yes, I said flub. We swear to ourselves that we should have realized how good we looked then instead of complaining for all those years that we were still too fat. Oh if only we could go back and do it all again. What we would have done differently!

Here's the kicker for me...I'm writing about this accomplishment because I've done it the healthy way and I'm not hungry-like with Weight Watchers. I'm reading through the Trim Healthy Mama book and feeling incredibly excited that I get to eat cheesy eggs for breakfast. What!!!!  I'm reeducating myself on sugar and the right type of grains. I'm going to the gym twice a week (that was my 2014 resolution) and for the most part, I've stuck with it. I've worked on my confidence. None of you know this but I made it a goal to be comfortable with myself enough to change in the locker room-and not behind a curtain! I still hate to do it, but I make myself so I'm reminded that I'm beautiful at any age and any shape.

 

I need to write this next part...for me and me only...

 

I may gain it back. I may never get down to the perfect size (whatever that is) and I'm gonna be okay with that. I am a woman, not a child. I have birthed three children. I work tirelessly to make sure they never hear me say the F-A-T word. In our home, I hope it never exists. There will be some weeks I don't make it to the gym at all. That's gonna be okay too. I will accept me for me, at all the different stages of my life. I will love me. I refuse to say negative things to myself anymore. I am so proud of ME.

"I Want Your Confidence"

Recently, I decided to measure myself after a hard workout at the gym. Surely, the only thing growing about me was my belly, right? So I locked myself in the hall bath because what would I say if Baby Girl asked me what I was doing...

"Half an inch?! How does my arms get bigger by half an inch?" I chastised myself. 

The berating kept on..."I can understand my trunk getting bigger and maybe even my thighs but my arms!!! Last time I checked there's no baby growing in my arms."

It felt like I should just throw in the towel. All the hard work was just a waste of my time. I confided in The Hubs about it that night and he said that he could understand why that would be frustrating. It's not easy working so hard and getting no positive results. But he also told me how awesome it was to see me exercising so hard with my growing baby bump. 

"You don't see many pregnant people at the gym, Kim. I saw you there and I thought you looked cute," he said.

"Cute? No one wants to look cute, Dale. They want to look...sexy. Are you still attracted to me?"

"Now Kim, you know that's not what I meant. Yes! I think you are sexy. When I saw you exercising there the other night, I was just so proud of you."

Just talking to him lifted my spirits. So the next day, I went back. I threw my shower bag in the locker and headed straight for the Crossramp machine. It's a lot like a stair stepper. I worked it! I was sweating profusely and breathing heavy. The song, "Beautiful" by Akon was blaring loudly in my ear piece and I felt so good...so strong...so beautiful.

"When I see you, I run out of words to say. I wouldn't leave you because you're that type of girl to make me stay. Your so beautiful...beautiful..."

 

It reminded me of how blessed I am to have such a loving man to be by my side. He's always so patient with me especially when my pregnancy hormones are going crazy. And just that feeling made me want to work harder.

 

Who cares if my arms are getting bigger-so is my HEART! I'm stronger than ever before. (If you've been following my blog for the past two years, you'll recall me blogging about my first experience running and how I couldn't even run for 1 MINUTE). And now- I'm pushing my body further through cross training three times a week! This is the most I've exercised in any pregnancy and when people ask me how I feel, I always respond with, "The best ever. No problems at all." I really believe my energy and strength comes from a stronger heart.

 

After the cool down, I took off towards the shower. This has become my new secret mom obsession. I will go to the gym with unwashed hair just so I can shower there. Think about it. No kids! Usually at home, my hair is full of shampoo lather when I hear the sound of running water. I have to jump out of the shower and scoop up a 16 month old who has climbed into the Jacuzzi and turned on the hot water. So showers at the gym are a pure spa experience for me.

 

I opened the locker room door and saw about fifteen older women ranging in age from 60-75. They must have just finished a pool class. How awesome it was to see older women still working out and still caring. A few of them were sitting on the benches side by side in their bathing suits...just gabbing like young women do. Two of them were carrying on a conversation by the sink in their granny panties and I thought, "I want your confidence. You ladies are amazing." Here I was, covered up completely in my beach towel not wanting to expose even a knee cap and they were so free. It made me wonder...did they struggle with this confidence issue at 20, 30, 40 or 50? When did they just say, "WHO REALLY CARES! It's my body and I'm gonna love it."

 

 

Which brings me to final thought. I see so many women struggling to be thin. They think, "When I'm thin then I'll be happy." The light in their eyes has left and all that remains is insecurity and criticizing of themselves. Young women--we are putting ourselves through a literal hell. Each day we get a choice to be happy with what we've accomplished (our kids, our job, our relationships). We get a choice to be satisfied with life. But instead the choice we make is to be unhappy with ourselves, judgmental of ourselves and angry with ourselves. This cycle will NEVER end if we continue to say, "I'm not good enough."

 

I'm making the stand that I am good enough. I will never be Skinny Minnie or Beanpole Betty. I will not try to achieve this. I will be happy with myself, my pregnant body, my post pregnant body, my healthy body. It's not about BONES being the new beautiful or BIG being the new beautiful. It's about HEALTHY  being the new beautiful. So I work out. I sweat and most likely will remain a size 10-12. I will have a strong heart and even stronger self esteem. My eyes will be bright because the light hasn't left them and my smile will prove to all women, "I've got the confidence."

 

 

In closing, I've been studying the Proverbs 31 woman and want to encourage each of you to pick one section to claim as your own. Mine will be, "She is energetic and strong, a hard worker." This will be what I strive for each and every day.

 

A Wife of Noble Character

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
    She is more precious than rubies.
Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

She finds wool and flax
    and busily spins it.
She is like a merchant’s ship,
    bringing her food from afar.
She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She is energetic and strong,
    a hard worker.
She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
    her lamp burns late into the night.

Her hands are busy spinning thread,
    her fingers twisting fiber.
She extends a helping hand to the poor
    and opens her arms to the needy.
She has no fear of winter for her household,
    for everyone has warm^[c] clothes.

She makes her own bedspreads.
    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
Her husband is well known at the city gates,
    where he sits with the other civic leaders.
She makes belted linen garments
    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
    and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household
    and suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.
    Her husband praises her:
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
    but you surpass them all!”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done.
    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

 

Proverbs 31:10-31

My Dear Sweet Boy

I hopped up from the couch and grabbed my son. I could tell he was tired by the way he kept wobbling around.  It was time for our nightly routine to begin.

"Say Night Night," I told him.

He lifted his whole arm, stretched our all five fingers and turned his hand side to side. "Nigh Nigh," he said with his big toothy grin.

Lately, he's talking so much and is so proud of himself. We both praise him and I rub his head in a "good job" fashion.

Baby Boy and I walked upstairs and put his pj's on. Then we got out his favorite book about fire trucks. He laughed at the pictures and stuck his tiny finger out to touch the fire truck wheels. I marveled at his boyness and wondered why The Lord saw it fit to make me the mother of a boy.  Me? I'm the most girly girl you can get. I cry easily, don't participate in sports and really enjoy pretty things. How can I be a good mother to my fire truck loving, rough and tumbling boy? 

We finished the book and I got up to to turn off the lights. Grabbing the fleece monster blanket I had made him, I wrapped him up snuggly and laid him on my chest. I noticed his toes were sticking out from beneath the blanket and my heart saddened a little at the thought of him growing up. We said our prayer which was short because Baby Boy would rather fall asleep then talk anymore.

"As I lay me down to sleep..."

His eyes grew heavy but didn't close so I said a prayer over him as my hand rubbed his head back and forth.

"Lord, help Baby Boy to grow up loving You. Make him a God fearing man. Make him brave and strong and smart. And God please help him always know how much his mother loves him, even when our new baby comes into our lives. Amen."

I gently laid him down in his crib and covered him up with a second blanket. I laid his truck book beside him and he propped himself up to look at the pictures. 

 

I softly sing him his song. A made up version of Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch and Alison Krauss's song,  "Go To Sleep You Little Baby."

"Go to sleep little baby.

Go to sleep little baby.

Momma loves you so and

Your Daddy does too, 

We'll always love you baby."

He looks up at me with those soft gray blue eyes and I know he's okay with me leaving. I think about how in a few short months, he'll no longer be my baby but my second born. And I worry so much that he will feel slighted knowing that another baby has taken the baby roll. 

I gently close the door and exhale softly.

My Dear Sweet Boy,

 

You came into our lives 15 months ago. I wondered how I could be a good mother to two of you. But when you were born, instant love surrounded me as I laid your head on my chest. You are my son, my second born, my wild child. You keep me on my toes and never let me sit  down but I wouldn't want it any other way. I love watching you play with box cars and go,"Broom Brooom," as you roll them across the floor. I love how fearless you are. I love how when you are most tired, you lift your tiny arms up and lay them around my neck with your head on my chest. I love how when you fall, you need your momma the most. I love folding your newly washed clothes and smelling you all over them. My dear sweet boy...always know that I loved you first and go easy on your momma when I hold tightly to you. It's hard to see you grow up. The new baby is coming but just like with Baby Girl, there is more room in my heart for all of you. I promise to rub your head, read you truck books and comfort you when you fall. My Dear Sweet Boy...

A Disappointing New Trend in Moms

Recently, I went to a park with one of my great mom friends. We sat on a bench and talked about weekend plans while the kids ate a snack. It was an easy conversation...that's what friendships should be like. When she had to leave, I decided to stay awhile longer and strolled over to the sandbox. I didn't know any of the moms but we gave each other the usual, "I'm not a mean mom" smile and watched our kids play together. A mother of two children came over and we started talking about the similarities between our one year old sons. We really started to hit it off and I thought,"She seems like a truly authentic person...maybe I've found another friend." The conversation came to a close and I noticed she had gotten out her phone-the usual sign that we would trade contact info and go on a play date in a few weeks. But then she hit me with THE question.

"Would you like to get together for coffee ...and talk about my Mary Kay business?"

My heart literally sunk to the pit of my stomach. Why? Because I felt like the entire conversation had been fake. She wasn't interested in finding a friend. She was interested in finding another potential customer. 

I think she could see the light behind my eyes had left and disappointment set in,"...or just coffee?" 

Graciously, I said with as much tact as possible. "Maybe just coffee. I don't think I could handle a Mary Kay business and be pregnant."

She politely agreed, taking my info and walked away towards her other friends. I told the kids it was time to go home and walked to the car alone. 

Please don't read this wrong. I will and have monetarily supported all my friends in their businesses. I think it's important to support all my women friends willing to take on a business and a family. I just don't think it's for me. And it literally breaks my heart when the only reason somebody wants to talk to me is to ask me to buy something from them. Why can't we be friends too? Why is it that I have to be "hunted" at the park?  Why is it that the only time I see them is for a business opportunity?

I'm not saying we have to be best friends because honestly only about 1% of people actually have a best friend. Just friends sharing in each other's journeys. Friends who authentically support each other and who want to be there for friendship's sake. Is that too much to ask for?

Dandelions for Papow

It was the week before Easter and we were in Kentucky. I had told The Hubs that I had a strong desire to see my family. He very graciously agreed to drive the 8 hours to get there. What a fine husband I have.

We had seen my dad's side of the family on Saturday and were now driving to my mom's side of the family on Sunday.

"Would you like to stop by your papaw's grave, Kim?"

His question surprised me. Mostly because he had remembered me saying how much I wanted to introduce the kids to Papow.

"Yes," I said slowly. "I would love to drive up there.

He made the turn up the holler and the car began climbing the hill to the top. "Wow," I thought. "So many more graves since last time."

But the hill was so pretty with it's shades of green and yellow. And it reminded me of the dream I talked about with you all at Christmas. Baby Boy was sleeping soundly in the back, but Baby Girl was wide awake.

"Where are we mommy," her little voice questioned?

"We are here to see Papow Homer's grave."

"But I don't see him mommy."

Her question brought me to the realization that her tiny mind might not fully understand what I was about to say.

We walked closer to his grave and I stood with her and said, "He's here, in the ground."

"Why is he in the ground?" Baby Girl could not understand it.

"Sometimes, God calls us home."

He says,"Your job is done and now it's time to live with me in Heaven."

"That's where Papow Homer is-in Heaven with God."

Baby Girl was so quiet and deep in thought. "But I don't want to go to Heaven."

"Aw honey, you're not going to Heaven now," I said as I placed my hand on my heart. "You will stay here with me. But when you are older, your heart might stop beating and you will get to go to Heaven with God. Heaven is such a happy place. Nobody cries in Heaven, Baby Girl. But for now, you get to stay with daddy and I."

The Hubs chimed in. "And see these are his brothers beside him. Why don't you put a flower on Papow Homer's grave."

My little girl gently bent down and picked up a bright yellow dandelion. Her tiny hands gently placed the dandelion on top of the gravestone. It was the sweetest act of pure respect and love.

The Hubs noticed that I had tears in my eyes.

"Time to go, Baby Girl," he said. They both started walking to the car.

"Bye Papow," I whispered.

"I miss you. I know your proud of Baby Girl. I'll bring Baby Boy back next year. I love you."

It's always hard to walk back to the car when it's time to say goodbye...almost feels as if your leaving them forever. As we drove away, I saw the dandelion on top of the gray gravestone. It reminded me that in a world of hurting, one day we will be on the other bright side. We will walk in fields of beautiful flowers, dance on clouds, sit at our Heavenly Father's feet and breathe in happiness, relaxation, joy and everlasting LIFE.

But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decrees before the ages for our glory. None of the rulers of this age understood this, for if they had they would not have crucified The Lord of glory. But, as it is written,

"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him."

1 Corinthians 2:7-9

There Is Joy in the Rain

The wind was cold and my hair haphazardly blew across my face. I breathed in and exhaled quickly. I had decided to walk and clear my head; figuring the cold air would be just what I needed. A vulture overhead was catching thermals and flying in circles through the white cloudy sky. It seemed even he knew the snow was coming and was using these last few moments to play outside, like I was.

I heard these words come through my ear piece,

"I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I'm all around you
Though you feel I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know."

 

The words were comforting and made me think about what MY heaven will be like. I say, MY heaven because I really do believe heaven will be what you want it to be. Your heaven may be on streets of gold and through pearly gates but my heaven will be in a tranquil field surrounded by beautiful trees on all sides.

A few years ago, I had a comforting dream that I was in heaven but heaven didn't look like what other people had taught me.

"Is this really heaven?" I thought. I was on the tallest mountain surrounded by lush green forests and soft grass. No one was around. It was just me and the Lord. And I remember feeling peace because that's exactly how I wanted it to be.

You may wonder why I'm talking about heaven. To some, it might be a little creepy to talk about the afterlife. And yes, even for me its hard to type my thoughts out. But I think we need to remember that this life we are living now is only temporary. There are a lot of good moments we experience here on earth but there are also a lot of hard moments. The good moments are to remind us that heaven will be full of JOY and the hard moments are to remind us that we are mortal and can only survive if we fully rely on God.

We all have hard moments in our life that we can remember. Sometimes, they seem to RAIN down on us with absolutely no break in between. For some, it might be the death of a loved one, for others it might be the experience of a traumatic event and even for others maybe a loss of control in every aspect of our life. Whatever your hard moment was, I think it's important to know that the ache will always be there. The panic will creep up on you years later and you will wonder why you're still not "over" it. It's in moments like these, that we must fully rely on God. We must not doubt that our Lord is with us but that HE has his fatherly hand on our shoulder the whole way through...even till the end.

My hard moment...not nearly as tough as other's moments...but waking up from surgery and being told I had cancer. With no one there to share my sadness, I cried alone as the thought of dieing swept over my whole being.

My good moment...getting the phone call that I was misdiagnosed. And after celebrating this good news, vowing to make something positive happen from such a terrible experience.

The song, Holding On, by Jamie Grace began playing as I finished up my walk and suddenly cold rain drops began falling on my face. The vulture was still flying in circles over my head and I thanked God for reminding me that there is still JOY in the RAIN.

All the signs of life
They’re all around me with every heartbeat
I feel so alive,
I am joy and sadness,
Peace and madness
If only I can fight just a little longer
I know It’s gonna make me stronger

 I just keep holding on to what I believe
Oh, I believe in you
Give me the strength to fight
And the heart to believe
When it’s hard to believe in you.

 

Beautiful Slate Blue Eyes

 

As I begin to type, my fingers lightly touch the keyboard and I feel the need to remove them. I feel the need to clasp my hands together, bow my head and...pray. Pray to the only God I've ever known, thank Him for all the blessings in my life and surrender my will to His.

Hillsong is singing, "Hosanna" and they're at the part where they say, "Break my heart for what breaks yours." I have a deep desire to turn it off and not deal with the mind chatter that's going on. I unclasp my hands and lay them on my lap symbolizing my need to give it ALL to Him. Sometimes, I think too much and this is a way to say, "Here Lord, have it all. You know I can't do it on my own. But with You, I have unconditional love, the power to forgive and let go, and the power to feel ultimate peace."

This past weekend the Hubs had to go to Virginia Beach on business. Luckily, we were all able to go with him. There's something about the beach that always calls to me. Maybe it's the grandeur of the deep and vast ocean, maybe it's the infinite grains of sand, maybe it's the sound of ocean waves crashing and seagulls singing. It's as if you were to stand on the coast by yourself and look out over the water, you could pray and know that somewhere beyond the ocean and sky, something greater was listening to you...something like the Lord.

The Lord has heard my heart and knows I am missing someone very special in my life...Papow Homer. It is even harder during the Christmas Season, not to have him around. But every now and then, the Lord blesses me with a smell or a memory of Him...

1995

"Hi Papow," I said as I untucked the blankets on the couch. It was about 3 am and he was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. I knew he had been smoking because I could still smell it's wonderful aroma. Surprisingly, I always liked the smell of it...it was comforting...it was papow.

I went to sit at the opposite end of the table and I talked for a little while. His slate blue eyes told me that he loved listening to my 10 year old self talk. He gave me a saucer and filled it with a little coffee. I felt like such a big kid.

Fast forward to a few months ago, he's been gone for four years now. I was cleaning the kids bathroom when all of a sudden I smelt the familiar smell of his cigarette smoke. I immediately stopped, closed my eyes and breathed it in.

"Odd," I thought. "No one smokes in our house." How did that happen? Sometimes, I think he's still around me. It's comforting.

2003

 

It was Christmas Time and we all had come over to Mamow and Papow's house to celebrate. He always stopped what he was watching and let us have the tv. But I was about to graduate high school and I didn't want to lay belly down infront of the tv anymore. Instead, I sat beside him. He reached over and held my hand. It felt cool to the touch and I could see the age on his hands. That was the first time he'd done that. He was still silent but that's how papow was. I knew he loved me.

 

Seeing that same kitchen table, now covered with Christmas oranges and walnuts, I saw my family sitting around talking and enjoying each other's company. Looking back, those were special memories.

 

 

2009

 

Halloween had approached us and the Hubs and I were having our first Halloween party in our new house. It was a costume party and everyone dressed up. Me-I was Sarah Palin : ) Papow had come and sat on the porch most that night. A few times, I went out there to sit with him. But he was unusually quiet. Papow was a quiet man but he was even more so that night. I wished I had sat out there longer with him...

Last Photo Taken With Papow



 

A few weeks later and it was November, I got the call that he was in the hospital. He would spend Christmas there and not get to open our presents. Most of the time he was on the ventilator. I still can hear the beeping and the swish of air from the machines. It was a scary time. We bought him a Christmas tree and put it in his room. I don't know if he got to see it.

 

 

In the last few weeks, they moved him to Lexington, Kentucky. Mamow stayed in the hospital with him. What a beautiful wife she is. For better for worse. In sickness and in health...

 

The Hubs and I drove all the way from Roanoke, Virginia to see him. I so desperately wanted him to talk to me. He really had been gone since November. I just wanted to hear his voice. On the trip up there, it snowed and snowed. When we made it and I sat by his bed he did something so miraculous. It had to be from God.

 

Mamow said, "Kim's here, Homer."

 

And slowly, he opened his eyes. Oh what beautiful slate blue eyes he had. He smiled so big I could see the wrinkles on the sides of his eyes. I held his hand. And then he spoke to me.

 

"You are so pretty," he said softly.

 

I'm crying now. It's too hard to think about. That was the last thing he ever said to me.

 

 

February 11, 2010

 

A few weeks later, I got the call while driving that he had passed away.  I pulled over into a church parking lot and cried...

 

I was asked to sing at his funeral. This was not going to be easy. So I practiced singing at mamow's church. The Hubs was with me. No matter what I did, I couldn't make it through the song. We were the only ones there. I felt close to God and at the same time so alone. Every time, I'd get to the part "...and heaven accept you when it's time to go home," of Lady Antebellum's song, "Never Alone," I'd break down and cry.

 

Somehow, at his funeral I made it through the song. But oh how hard it was.

 

When it was time for the casket to be closed, I thought the family would get to say goodbye one more time. But I never did. He was buried on a cold February day with the snow flakes falling.

 

Death is an empty feeling. A loss of control feeling. A lonely feeling. In reality, death is so many things that we can't understand...that we cant put into words. Simply, when someone dies the ache never seems to go away. It gets better but it will always be there.
 

 

A Few Weeks Later

 

A few weeks later, papow came to me in my dreams. I was standing on the hill where they buried him. It was sunny and the grass was golden yellow. Off in the distance, I saw papow sitting at a table with a black haired lady clothed in a blue dress. I went up to papow and saw his beautiful slate blue eyes. But he didn't talk to me. It was the lady that talked to me.

 

"You don't have to worry about your papow anymore," she said.

"He's okay now."

 

And I felt peace.

 

That was the last time I ever saw him.

 

Some people say that dreams shouldn't be believed. But it was so comforting and peaceful that I have to believe it. It was as if God gave me a final goodbye to him. And I must take that and embrace it. I know that one day, I will see him again and he will get to hold his grandchildren.

 

Do you know what is hardest of all?

 

Looking into my kids eyes and seeing beautiful slate blue. He never got to hold them. But I know if he did, his eyes would crinkle up into a smile and pure joy would be felt all over his face.

 

Thanksgiving and Christmas is hard during this time. I miss him terribly.

So I go to the store and smell someone's cigarette smoke. I breathe it in and remember him. I buy Christmas oranges and walnuts. I place them on my own kitchen table and remember. I look into my children's eyes and imagine what he would do if he got to hold them. And I pray. I pray hard for my mamow and my mom and myself. Pray for peace and joy and love. That's what he would have wanted.

Papow,
 

I miss seeing you sitting at the kitchen table. I miss the smell of your cigarettes and the taste of your coffee. I miss being in your quiet presence.

 

But one day Papow, I'll see you again.


I love you.

 

 

 In Loving Memory of Homer Eugene Kendrick

Beautiful Slate Blue Eyes, A Quiet Spirit and a Wonderful Grandfather

 

June 3, 1932 - February 11, 2010



He Knew I Needed Him

 

I'm changed for the better
More smiles, less bitter
I'm even starting to forgive myself
I hit my knee, I’m here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Changed
Yes I am
I’m changed for the better.

How Beautiful. I was driving in my car one evening while The Hubs was watching Baby Girl and this song came on the radio. I had never heard it before but HOW.BEAUTIFUL.

It may be hard to believe but when I would hear some people tell their story of accepting Jesus into their lives, I would be embarrassed for myself…questioning if my story was even for real. After all, I was only 12 years old when I gave my life to our Father. So many times I’ve thought, “I was just a kid. How did I really know what it meant to be saved? My story was so... normal. There were no terrible life experiences or regretful pasts to talk about…I was just a kid!”

And then I’d have a battle in my head. “Well am I really saved? Is this for real? Or now that I’m an adult maybe I should go through the process again…”

But you know what? I gave my life to the Father at the Exact. Right. Time. He wanted me too at 12 years old. He knew when He created me, I was going to be the type of person who questioned everything and had a hard time giving up control. He knew that I’d need Him during my teen years more than ever. And for that I am grateful. He knew that during my college years, I’d need a Heavenly Father to lean on during lonely times while The Hubs (who was then just my boyfriend) was in a completely different state. He knew I’d need Him during 2009, when I’d regrettably find out and struggle with the misdiagnosis of cancer. Even more, He knew I’d need to trust Him when I could do nothing on my own to get pregnant. And of course, all of this has happened in 28 years. I still have much more life to NEED HIM. So even though my story of accepting Jesus as Leader of My Life was only through a child’s eyes, He knew I was READY.

I came up out of the water
Raised my hands up to the Father
Gave it all to Him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, Eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was going
It didn't matter where I'd been
I'm not the same woman I was then.

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
and the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, Now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Changed

 

 

Maybe you’ve been questioning your “Saved Story” and wondering if it was all for real. Take comfort in the knowledge that Your Father knows your heart and knows where and how to lead you in your life.

Maybe you’ve been wondering what it means to actually have a Heavenly Father-the Leader of Your Life. I encourage you to seek out someone who has already made that commitment. I encourage you to fall on your knees and say, “Lord, I can’t do it without You. I need You in my life.  I ask for You to come into my heart and life today. Change me. Make me new. I will follow You-All The Days of My Life.”

 

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

~ Matthew 19:25-26

 

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.

~Romans 10:9-10