Secret Momma Confession: I'm Terrified of Two and Really Want a Glass of Pinot Grigio

"Baby Girl, want to go outside and take a walk?" She looked up at me from her picnik table, dropped her Little People, and started walking towards me.

"First girl, we have to put our outside clothes on. You can't go outside in your pj's. Come on let's go upstairs."

We finally made it to the stairs and she decided she didn't want to go upstairs but instead, play with a toy on the first step. I huffed outloud feeling exhausted already and it was only 9 am.

"No girl, you can't play with the toy. We need to walk upstairs. Baby Girl, if you don't walk up the stairs with me, we can't go outside." This went on for about 3 minutes. She finally decided to grab my hand and walk upstairs.

Once I picked out her outfit and tried to put it on her she threw a fit--doing that toddler thing where their knees buckle and they throw their arms in the air. "Baby Girl, we have to put your clothes on if you wan't to go outside." My patience was running thin. She screamed some more, snot pouring out her nose and beet red in the face. So I exhaled loudly and gave her my temper tantrum hug where I don't let go until she calms down.

Finally, the shirt and pants were on. "What an ordeal," I thought. "Okay, now we need to put your socks and shoes on." What does she do? Walk outside the room! "We have to put your socks and shoes on. You can't walk outside until you put them on. I notice my breathing has increased (maybe pregnancy related but more likely exhausted/angry related). She finally decided to let me pick her up and put her socks on. I reached over to get her shoes off the dresser and almost turned the entire rocker over on me and her. I finally managed to get her shoes on. I let her down and lay my head back in the rocker completely exhausted and worn out. The rocker seemed to wrap its arms around me and I felt an incredible urge to cry.

I sat there with tears brimming in my eyes and fighting an internal battle with myself. "You stop that crying, Kim. There is no reason to let a 1.5 year old get you so upset." So I sat there some more until I finally felt calm again...

On our walk outside, I looked into the big blue sky with streaks of white, painting a picture of peace in the clouds and I said, "God, what did I sign up for? How am I gonna handle two kids?" Thank Heavens I had my big sunglasses on because I was tearing up again. "Am I that stupid God? We moved away from all our family and now I have no help. I don't think I can do it. All my friends say it's going to be hell for the first few months and I'm scared to death."

I quit talking to God for a second and started to question myself more. I exclusively pump instead of exclusively breastfeed...how am I am going to exclusively pump and keep my eye on a two year old? "We gotta get some gates or something...or maybe a babysitter to help me the first few months,"I thought outloud.

My mind switched to me and The Hubs and I started praying again. "Oh I wish we could go on weekly dates. But who can afford weekly dates when a babysitter cost $12/hour? And then there's the movie charge and the dinner charge. We're lucky to go on a date once every three months." God was listening to me rambling now. "And God, what I wouldn't give for a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio." I couldn't believe I was talking to God about wine. A glass of wine would have been perfectly wonderful to calm my nerves right about then but I couldn't have it.

We turned a corner in the stroller and out popped the tiniest bird I had ever seen walking on the sidewalk. I suppose God was answering my questions by bringing that bird along because I immediately thought of Matthew 6:26, "Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?" It was as if God was saying, "Don't worry about all these things. I will take care of you. It just takes one step at a time. Quit putting pressure on yourself! I will help you through it." I started to calm down a little bit. We were now approaching another corner and I exhaled loudly (this time out of relief). The most beautifully red trees lined the road and I thought of, Matthew 6:30,  ^"And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

"Okay God, I get it. You will be with me every step of the way."

Baby Girl and I continued to walk all the way home. I turned into our neighborhood and Baby Girl started talking outloud and waving at a lady and a young girl standing on their front porch. I stopped to say, "Hello," and introduced myself. Baby Girl started whining so I let her out of the stroller. The little girl went inside and surprisingly Baby Girl started following her inside! "I'm so sorry," I said. The lady reassured me it was okay and asked me to come inside. So reluctantly, I went in feeling embarrassed that my daughter had just invited herself into someone's house (I'm now chuckling as I write this). It turned out to be such a great experience. We started talking about God and I found out she was Hindu. She told me about how she believes God is within us all and I thought about how perfectly said that was. Especially since I had had such an indepth conversation with God earlier.

Look at 1 Corinthians 3:16: Don't you realize that all of you together are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God lives in you? Isn't that so beautifully written? To me, it's amazing how we are all connected on one level or another to each other. God heard my random prayers and saw my tears as I rocked in the rocker. He calmed my own spirit by reassuring me that He was there, not once or twice but three times! My question to you is, "Have you taken the time to walk with God? Do you feel comfortable enough to tell God your fears or worries-even if it has to do with a simple glass of chilled Pinot Grigio ; ) You see, God wants all of you. Not part of you or some of you but everything that makes you-YOU! I encourage you today, to look into the big blue sky and say, "I'm ready now- I'm ready to talk, God."