If You Were a Fly On My Wall...

Oh goodness! Where to begin, where to begin? There’s so much I want to say (and need to say in the right way) without letting my passion become unbridled. But I’ve got a lot on my mind and feel like I need to write this as if I were talking to Jesus over a cup of hot tea. It’s the curse of being an “introspective thinker.” I can’t go one day without thinking deeply. But that’s just the way God made me. So before I begin…don’t look at this as a way to step into my life…as if you were a fly on my wall. Look at this blog as if YOU needed to apply it to yourself. Get some benefit out of it- besides just something to occupy your time on the internet.  (OUCH! that sounded like a nugget of crap, didn’t it?) Oh well, take it for what it’s worth. As the current times say, “It is what it is.”

 

It’s 8:00 PM. The Hubs and I are still up. I just put Baby Girl to bed. I plop down on the sofa across from The Hubs and watch him working on his computer. Now that Baby Girl’s asleep, it’s time to have a discussion.

“Hey, when you have a second I need to talk to you.” Realizing how that sounded offensive, I clarified. “It’s nothing about you. I just need someone to listen to me.”

He finished up his work in about two minutes; which turned out to be a blessing because it allowed me time to get my thoughts together. “Okay, what can I do for you?” he says as he shut his lap top screen. Realizing how “work like” that sounded I decided to let it go, choosing to take the high road and understanding that he was working and it was late. His mind was still in “work mode.”

I sighed audibly and said, “I just need someone to talk to. I got a lot on my mind and need to get my thoughts out.” The word splatter was building up and right on the tip of my tongue at this point.

He was silent so I continued (points for The Hubs-he’s learned some amazing counseling skills from me in the past few years).

“I’m exhausted. I have no energy. I know it’s because I’m pregnant and my hormones are crazy. I feel guilty that in the evenings I don’t feel like playing with Baby Girl…but I did read her three books today and we painted.” The words splatter out of my mouth reminding me of splattered paint on walls.

“No one listens to me. And the one thing that bothers me most is when they cut me off and try to give me advice. I wish more women out there were better listeners and quit trying to fix everything.”

The word splatter had reached 75 mph now. “And the house. I’ve given up trusting God. I feel stuck in this house. I know I should be grateful but I’m 26 weeks pregnant and don’t want to bend over to unpack boxes! Maybe we shouldn’t be here. Maybe God didn’t really want us to come here. Nothing has worked out since then. First we couldn’t sell the house, then we chose to rent it (thinking that was a blessing from God), and now we can’t even get a house. I think we should MOVE BACK.

“But most of all, I’m mad at myself for being this selfish. I am blessed and I’m not thankful! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I live a good Christian life?”

Anddddd…. I stopped abruptly staring at The Hubs. He was mirroring my image, staring at me too. Probably shocked. Probably wondering if now was a good time to talk or if I had more word splatter to unleash.

The Hubs opened his mouth and said, “Okay let’s take this one piece at a time.” And we talked about everything that was bothering me, picking it apart. It turned out most of that stuff was not really the problem. That was just stuff on the surface. My bigger hang up was trusting God. It's funny how I was complaining about every other woman out there wanting to fix problems. When in reality, I didn't even think God could do it on HIS own and that He actually needed my help.  I have to tell you, it felt so good to have someone finally listen to me without speaking.

Basically to sum it up, we decided that The Grass Isn’t Always Greener on The Other Side. It would be pointless for us to move back because we took that huge leap of faith and it just so happened, that this part of our journey was taking a lot longer than we expected. We hadn’t made it to the Promised Land yet. But that was okay because this was exactly where we needed to be. No one said this journey of life would be easy or convenient.

A few days later and we were sitting in church. That morning, I had contemplated whether or not to write a Facebook status update about being at church trying to receive divine inspiration. But my morning ran away from me and we ended up rushing out the door, in a hurry, as we always are on Sunday Mornings.

We dropped Baby Girl off at the nursery and sat down in our usual seats, ¾ of the way back. The Hubs likes to joke that if we sit on the main back pews we look like the new people. The hymn/praise song Take My Life began playing.

 

Take My Life

You Are All

I Live For

I Am Yours Set Apart for You

I Am Yours Hungry for Your Truth

 

And I silently praised God, telling Him that I was sorry for losing trust in Him. And I told Him I would praise Him through it all even while hungry for HIS TRUTH. And I thanked Him for loving me despite being a Doubting Thomas.

The sermon was divinely inspirational. I didn’t realize that in Joshua the Jordan River parted so hundreds, if not thousands of people, could cross as they followed the Ark of the Covenant. God told his people that once they placed one foot in the Jordan River, the waters would part. It was harvest time and the Jordan River was overflowing. Can you imagine how much faith that might have taken? Or to be in the middle of the river bed and see the water being held back for you? That certainly wasn't easy or convenient for them. I would probably have been one of those people that said, “If I’m gonna have to cross this thing, let me blow up my raft first.” But every person made it across! Wow! Click Here to Easily Read Joshua 3:1-20 NLT

You see, God calls us to take huge leaps of faith in our life. Never promising that it will be easy or convenient. And all He asks is for us to take the first step…to get our feet wet…and He will do the rest. From the first terrifying step, to the middle of the river bed (when it looks like you’ll never get across), and finally to the last relieving step out, He will take care of you.

So today, I ask of you to look at this blog, not as if you are a fly on my wall, wanting to know what’s happening in our family. But to look at this story as me being authentically honest with you, so that you can evaluate your own life.  Are you needing to put your big toe in the water? Or are you the one who’s running from the middle of the river bed saying, “Do I go backwards or run forwards?” Or are you the one who is soooo close to the end, you can smell the dry earth? Pray to the Lord and ask to be DIVINELY INSPIRED. You will make it across.

 

With Honesty and Unbridled Passion Set Free,

Kim